AFTER THE HONEYMOON
VIII: Spring Chicken
Mid-afternoon. Xena’s and Gabrielle’s campsite. Xena and Gabrielle are lying in each other’s arms on their bedroll. Xena seems to be nodding off. Gabrielle’s brows are knit in thought.
GABRIELLE: Xena?
XENA: <snort> Huh?
GABRIELLE: Sorry, were you asleep?
XENA: No, no. Wide awake.
GABRIELLE: I’m not wearing you out am I?
XENA: Never! Not at all! No way! Unh uh!
GABRIELLE: How’s your jaw?
XENA: It’s fine. Do you need it for anything?
GABRIELLE: No, no… Just checking.
Several minutes pass quietly. Xena seems to be drifting off to sleep again. Gabrielle is wide awake and clearly thinking about something.
GABRIELLE: Xena?
XENA: <snore>
GABRIELLE: Xena!
XENA: <snork> Huh?
GABRIELLE: How old are you?
XENA: I lost count.
GABRIELLE: No, really.
XENA: Old enough to know better.
GABRIELLE: OK, OK. Go back to sleep.
XENA: I was just resting my eyes.
Several more minutes pass. Xena is trying to stay awake. Gabrielle is still thinking about something.
GABRIELLE: How many women altogether, do you think?
XENA: How many women altogether what?
GABRIELLE: Have you, uh, you know, been with?
XENA: How many have you been with?
GABRIELLE: Well, I used to sleep with my sister, but I don’t think that counts…
XENA: Not unless you had that special sisterly bond they keep talking about in that Xenaverse magazine…
GABRIELLE: Oh.
XENA: You didn’t, did you?
GABRIELLE: What?
XENA: Have that special sisterly bond?
GABRIELLE: Of course not! We’re not that Greek.
XENA: Good.
GABRIELLE: Would you be jealous?
XENA: A little, I guess.
GABRIELLE: How come?
XENA: I’m just glad I was your first.
GABRIELLE: First woman, anyway…
XENA: Ouch!
GABRIELLE: Sorry.
Several minutes pass…
GABRIELLE: So how many?
XENA: What?
GABRIELLE: Women.
XENA: I don’t know. Does it matter?
GABRIELLE: You don’t know or you’re not telling?
XENA: I don’t know offhand. I’d have to figure it out.
GABRIELLE: That many?
XENA: It didn’t mean anything, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE: <hurt> What about me?
XENA: Huh?
GABRIELLE: Do I mean anything?
XENA: Of course you do. I meant the others didn’t mean anything.
GABRIELLE: So how many others?
XENA: Is it important?
GABRIELLE: I’m just a little curious about them…
XENA: What exactly are you curious about?
GABRIELLE: Well, how old were they?
XENA: How old?
GABRIELLE: You said M’Lila was just a teenager when she died.
XENA: <pained look> Yeah. Way too young to die.
GABRIELLE: And that Black Wolf girl…
XENA: Flora.
GABRIELLE: You knew her when you were just kids.
XENA: Yeah.
GABRIELLE: And you knew Helen of Troy before she married.
XENA: Uh huh.
GABRIELLE: And me of course.
XENA: So?
GABRIELLE: It just seems that all of them were really young.
XENA: I was pretty young myself then.
GABRIELLE: But what about now?
XENA: What about now?
GABRIELLE: You’re probably thirty-something and you’re still dating teenagers.
XENA: Hey!!!
GABRIELLE: Doesn’t it strike you as odd?
XENA: Are you saying I should date somebody else?
GABRIELLE: No…
XENA: What then?
GABRIELLE: I just wonder why you’re attracted to me.
XENA: It’s not just that, Gabrielle. I love you.
GABRIELLE: <blushes> Oh, Xena.
Several minutes pass. Xena is wide awake and looking a bit worried. Gabrielle looks like she might be drifting off to sleep.
XENA: Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE: <snork> Huh?
XENA: Does it bother you that I’m older?
GABRIELLE: No…
XENA: Do you think there’s something wrong with me?
GABRIELLE: Well…
XENA: It’s OK. I can take it.
GABRIELLE: Xena, you’re an ex-warlord subject to nightmares, who occasionally succumbs to the influence of Ares and hollers things like “Kill them all!” I’d say you might be a few beans short of a burrito.
XENA: <crestfallen> Am I that bad?
GABRIELLE: Oh, honey, I was just teasing.
XENA: Oh. <kisses Gabrielle’s forehead> Go back to sleep.
Several minutes pass. Gabrielle is sound asleep and snoring. Xena extricates herself from Gabrielle’s embrace and looks down at her for a minute, then gets up and leads Argo quietly away from the campsite.
FADE
Later. In town. Xena approaches a building that has a sign over the door that says “Dr. Fealguhd.” She ties Argo up outside and goes into the building.
[Dr. Fealguhd’s appearance courtesy of Joanna, aka WordWarrior.]
Dr. Fealguhd’s waiting room.
NURSE: Do you have an appointment?
XENA: This is an emergency.
NURSE: I’ll see if the doctor is in.
XENA: Thanks.
NURSE: <into the intercom> Doctor, are you free?
DR. FEALGUHD: Sure, why not?
NURSE: <to Xena> That’ll be two dinars.
Xena reaches into her cleavage, causing the nurse to gasp, pulls out a coin purse, takes out two dinars, and gives them to the nurse.
NURSE: Thank you. <fans herself> You may go in now.
Xena goes into the doctor’s office.
DR. FEALGUHD: What can I do for you?
XENA: I have a problem.
DR. FEALGUHD: Problems ’R’ us! <heh heh> What seems to be the matter?
XENA: Well, I always seem to get involved with really young girls.
DR. FEALGUHD: Girls?!?!
XENA: Is that a problem?
DR. FEALGUHD: Let’s see.
Dr. Fealguhd picks up the latest copy of the Handbook of the American Psychiatric Association and leafs through it.
DR. FEALGUHD: What year is this?
XENA: Anywhere between 1200 BC and 50 AD.
DR. FEALGUHD: Too bad. After 1973 AD, doing it with girls wouldn’t be a problem.
XENA: I don’t have a problem with doing it with girls.
DR. FEALGUHD: No?
XENA: No. It’s that the girls I do it with are never over 19 years old.
DR. FEALGUHD: And you are…
XENA: Older than that.
DR. FEALGUHD: Aha!!! <scribbles on her notepad>
XENA: What?
DR. FEALGUHD: Nothing. Go on.
XENA: That’s it.
DR. FEALGUHD: Uh, so why are you only attracted to teenagers?
XENA: I was hoping you could tell me.
DR. FEALGUHD: I see. <scribbles on her notepad> Xena grabs the notepad from Dr. Fealguhd and looks at it.
XENA: <reads> Diagnosis: LAD. Shouldn’t that be LASS?
DR. FEALGUHD: That’s L-A-D. It stands for Libidinal Affective Disorder.
XENA: What’s that?
DR. FEALGUHD: You’re a chickenhawk.
XENA: Oh, dear.
DR. FEALGUHD: Not a big deal. Just stay away from anyone under 16 and you’ll be fine.
XENA: Under 16?
DR. FEALGUHD: Yep. It’s a no-no. Jail bait. Bad news.
The sound of someone entering the waiting room is heard. Then the door of Dr. Fealguhd’s office opens and Gabrielle enters.
GABRIELLE: Xena! I was so worried about you! I woke up and you were gone!
Dr. Fealguhd scribbles something on her notepad.
XENA: I’m sorry.
Gabrielle plops down on the floor next to Xena and lays her head in Xena’s lap.
GABRIELLE: Oh, Xena. I missed you so much.
XENA: <strokes Gabrielle’s hair> I missed you too.
GABRIELLE: Don’t ever leave me like that again.
XENA: I won’t. <pat, pat> There, there.
Dr. Fealguhd scribbles furiously on her notepad.
GABRIELLE: <to Xena, pointing at Dr. Fealguhd> Who’s that?
XENA: Dr. Fealguhd.
GABRIELLE: <worried> A doctor? Oh, no! Are you sick?
XENA: Not that kind of doctor, Gabrielle. She’s a shrink.
DR. FEALGUHD: Psychiatric social worker.
XENA: Whatever.
DR. FEALGUHD: We’re having a two-for-the-price-of-one special today. Maybe your little friend would like some help.
GABRIELLE: <sarcastic> Her “little friend”?
XENA: Chill, Gabrielle. <to Dr. Fealguhd> Does she need help?
DR. FEALGUHD: She appears to be suffering from a bad case of co-dependency.
GABRIELLE: Hey! I took all twelve steps!
XENA: You did?
GABRIELLE: Just once… Anyway, I’m only XV. Co-dependency comes with the territory.
DR. FEALGUHD: Uh oh.
GABRIELLE: Uh oh?
DR. FEALGUHD: <to Xena> Is this one of them?
XENA: Yeah.
DR. FEALGUHD: And she’s only XV?
XENA: <to Gabrielle> I thought you said you were XVI.
GABRIELLE: XV, XVI, what’s the difference?
DR. FEALGUHD: A jail term.
GABRIELLE: You can’t put me in jail! I’m an emancipated minor! I’ve been married and everything!
DR. FEALGUHD: Oh, well, that’s all right then.
XENA: Are you sure?
DR. FEALGUHD: An emancipated minor is OK.
XENA: That was a bit too close for comfort. <chuckle>
GABRIELLE: What’s so funny?
XENA: I was just thinking, after all the things I’ve done, I could end up going to jail for loving somebody.
GABRIELLE: If you go to jail, I’m going with you!
XENA: Really?
GABRIELLE: Where you go I go.
XENA: Gee, Gabrielle. That’s really sweet… <to Dr. Fealguhd> But what are we going to do about all our problems…
DR. FEALGUHD: Oh, puh-leeze. You think you have problems? Believe me, you have nothing to worry about.
GABRIELLE: <to Xena> Did you pay in advance?
XENA: Yeah.
GABRIELLE: Well the least you could do is give us a diagnosis.
DR. FEALGUHD: OK. <ahem> It is my professional opinion that the coincidental conjunction of the elder partner’s L.A.D. and the younger partner’s adolescent insecurities, coupled with rampant co-dependency, could provide a therapeutic environment of mutual need that will foster the growth of both partners.
XENA: And that means…?
DR. FEALGUHD: You’re perfect for each other.
GABRIELLE: <brightly> Really?
DR. FEALGUHD: Really.
Gabrielle jumps up and skips around the room, knocking over a trophy that was prominently displayed on Dr. Fealguhd’s desk. She picks it up, checks to make sure it’s not broken, then replaces it on the desk.
GABRIELLE: Sorry.
DR. FEALGUHD: No harm done. <picks up the trophy and gazes at it fondly> It’s the Shrink Of The Year award. NAMBLA gave it to me last year.
XENA: Congratulations.
DR. FEALGUHD: Thank you.
Xena and Gabrielle leave the doctor’s office and start walking home, Xena leading Argo. Gabrielle pulls out her pan flute and starts to play a tune.
XENA: <sings> “Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters…”
Xena and Gabrielle do the Wizard-Of-Oz step down the yellow dirt road…
FADE
© Copyright 1998 Donna E. Trifilo & Catherine M. Wilson
