I. A Surprise

Xena and Gabrielle are walking down a country road, Xena leading Argo. Suddenly they hear a voice crying out from behind them.

VOICE: Wait up, warrior chums!

Xena gives Gabrielle the Oh No! look <tm> .

GABRIELLE: It’s OK, Xena. I asked him to join us for awhile.

XENA: You WHAT?!?!

GABRIELLE: Just for an hour or so. He’s bringing me something.

XENA: What?

GABRIELLE: It’s a surprise.

XENA: Did his mother make you some nutbread or something?

GABRIELLE: No, no. I don’t do that stuff any more. Really.

XENA: What then?

GABRIELLE: He said I could use his post office box.

XENA: What for?

GABRIELLE: <slyly> I got something for you. Mail order.

XENA: <pleased> Something for me?

GABRIELLE: Well, for us.

A great clanking and clattering are heard as Joxer catches up to them.

JOXER: <hands Gabrielle a long, narrow box> Here ya go, Gabby.

GABRIELLE: Thanks, Joxer. I really appreciate this.

JOXER: No problem.

Gabrielle tucks the box into Argo’s saddlebag.

JOXER: Aren’t you going to open it?

GABRIELLE: No. It’s for later.

XENA: Let me open it. You said it’s for me.

GABRIELLE: For us. We really should open it later.

XENA: But—

GABRIELLE: Xena, trust me on this one.

Xena manages to control her curiosity. The three of them amble companionably down the road until Joxer develops a blister on his heel and has to go home.

XENA: I thought he’d never leave.

Xena snatches the box out of Argo’s saddlebag and starts ripping it open.

GABRIELLE: Xena, wait.

Xena ignores her and struggles with the bubble wrap.

GABRIELLE: Maybe we should talk first…

Xena ignores her, whips out her chakram, tosses the package into the air, throws the chakram, which bounces off four tree trunks, a rock, the surface of a nearby pond, and a Demeter statue (oops), neatly slits open the bubble wrap, and returns to Xena’s hand. Xena catches the package and pulls out a large, double-headed lavender dildo. She looks at it, speechless.

GABRIELLE: I ordered it from the Aphrodite’s Garden catalog.

XENA: What is it?

GABRIELLE: <irritably> Well, what does it look like?

XENA: Like nothing I’ve ever seen before.

GABRIELLE: The catalog said it “enhances the pleasure of lovemaking between women.”

XENA: Are you saying my lovemaking needs enhancing?

GABRIELLE: Of course not! It’s for you, mostly…


GABRIELLE: Well, you like men… At least, you did… So I just thought… well … um … you might like … um …

XENA: Did I ever say I found you lacking in any way?

GABRIELLE: Uh, now that you mention it…

XENA: I mean in bed.

GABRIELLE: Oh. Well, not exactly…

XENA: Not exactly?

GABRIELLE: You just don’t seem as … enthusiastic as you used to be.

XENA: Hey last night you were the one with the headache.

GABRIELLE: I really had a headache.

XENA: Yeah, sure.

GABRIELLE: If you keep giving me grief over this I may develop another one.

XENA: Promises, promises.

Xena drops the dildo down her cleavage and starts walking down the road again. Gabrielle mugs at the camera, then trots after her. They walk for a few minutes in silence.

GABRIELLE: <seductively> Xena?

XENA: <testy> What?

GABRIELLE: <even more seductively> Wanna make camp early tonight?

XENA: <even more testy> Why?

GABRIELLE: Well, you know, I’m just a young, innocent village girl, but the talk around town is that you’re hung like a centaur.

Xena looks at Gabrielle with a shocked expression on her face. Then she catches the twinkle in Gabrielle’s eye.

XENA: Who did you hear that from?

GABRIELLE: Let’s see. <counts on her fingers> That Black Wolf girl, Helen of Troy, Ephiny…

XENA: I never touched Ephiny!

GABRIELLE: So you did sleep with Helen. I knew it!

XENA: So what did they say about my, er, endowments?

GABRIELLE: Quite a lot. In fact, I found it pretty hard to believe.

XENA: You’d be surprised what’s under this leather.

GABRIELLE: I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.

Xena leads Argo off the road and into a dense thicket. Gabrielle follows her, grinning triumphantly.