III. Joxer the Mighty

It is late afternoon. Xena and Gabrielle are walking down the country road. Argo brings up the rear. They approach a humble cottage.

XENA: Is this it?


Xena knocks. A sweet-faced middle-aged woman answers the door.

GABRIELLE: Good afternoon, Mrs. Joxer. Is your son at home?

MRS. JOXER: Hi, Gabrielle. Nice to see you. I’m afraid my boy isn’t here right now. I think he’s gone into town. Is there something I can help you with?

GABRIELLE: Uh, well… Did he leave anything here when he came home this morning?

MRS. JOXER: I don’t think so. Like what?

XENA: Uh, never mind. Thanks. We’ll look for him in town.

Xena and Gabrielle say good bye to Joxer’s mother and continue their journey. When they enter the town, they notice a commotion in front of the local inn. As they approach, they hear Joxer’s voice coming from the middle of a crowd of women.

JOXER: One at a time, ladies. There’s plenty for everybody.

A squabble of women’s voices is heard: “I saw him first.” “No way!” “He’s mine.” “Get away from him!”

Xena pushes her way through the crowd of women until she is face to face with Joxer.

JOXER: <surprised, and a bit alarmed> Xena!?!

XENA: Joxer, I’ve been looking for you.

JOXER: Xena, I can’t! It just wouldn’t be right! It wouldn’t be fair to Gabrielle. <gets a weasely look in his eyes> Unless maybe the two of you…

XENA: When pigs fly!


XENA: So what’s going on here?

JOXER: I think this must be an Aphrodite festival day or something. These women won’t leave me alone!

XENA: Gee, Joxer, that’s too bad. Maybe I can help.

JOXER: No, no. That’s OK. I can handle it. <swaggers> Can I help it if I’m Aphrodite’s gift to women.

Xena puts her arm around Joxer and deftly plucks the lavender dildo out of his armor.

XENA: Don’t worry, Joxer. I’ll see that they don’t bother you any more.

Xena slips the lavender dildo into her bracer, then gives Joxer’s shoulder a pat.

XENA: See you later, Joxer.

Xena walks away. The crowd of women follows her.

JOXER: Hey! Girls! Hey! Wait a minute!

XENA: <to Gabrielle> Shall we get a room?

GABRIELLE: What was that about?

XENA: Tell you later.

Xena and Gabrielle go into the inn. The crowd of women follows them. Xena and Gabrielle go up to the bar. Xena leans on the bar and strikes a stunning pose while Gabrielle goes over to negotiate with the innkeeper. The crowd of women huddles together a few feet away, gazing open-mouthed at Xena.

Gabrielle has a short and argumentative talk with the innkeeper. She stalks away from him and rejoins Xena.

GABRIELLE: Well I never!

XENA: What’s the matter?

GABRIELLE: Cash only, he said. Bards are a dinar a dozen, he said.

Xena reaches into her cleavage, causing the women to gasp, pulls out a small purse, takes out a few dinars and hands them to Gabrielle. Gabrielle goes over to the innkeeper and hands him the dinars.

INNKEEPER: Room 3, upstairs.

GABRIELLE: <sarcastically> Thanks.

Gabrielle starts up the stairs. Xena starts after her, but pauses as she passes the innkeeper. She pokes him in the chest with one finger, causing his eyes to bug out.

XENA: Tonight you’re going to beg her to tell some stories for your guests. You got that?

The innkeeper nods and turns blue.

XENA: And you’re going to pay her twice what we just paid for the room. You got that?

The innkeeper nods again and Xena pokes him in the eye. He gasps for air and slowly returns to his normal color.

Xena goes up the stairs. The crowd of women follows her.

Xena and Gabrielle go into their room and close the door, leaving the crowd of women outside.

GABRIELLE: Xena, why are all those women following you?

XENA: Beats me.


Xena smiles slyly and slips the lavender dildo out of her bracer.


XENA: Seems to be a bit of a babe magnet, eh?


XENA: Come on, let’s take a bath.

GABRIELLE: Together?

XENA: Sure, why not? You don’t want to leave me at the mercy of all those women do you?

GABRIELLE: Good point.

Xena removes her armor and stashes the lavender dildo under the pillow. Xena and Gabrielle leave the room and go down the hall to the bathing room, followed by the crowd of women. They enter the bathing room to find a small tub barely big enough for one of them to sit in. The crowd of women follows them into the bathing room. Gabrielle looks at them with irritation.

XENA: Chill, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE: OK, OK. You go first.

Gabrielle fills the tub with warm water from a bucket. Xena slips off her leathers and peels off her shift. Three of the women swoon and fall into the arms of the others. Xena sits in the tub and Gabrielle washes her. Then they trade places and Xena washes Gabrielle.

Xena and Gabrielle return to their room, followed by the crowd of women. They enter their room and close the door, leaving the women outside.

XENA: Do you think maybe we should let Mardicus know how much we missed him?

GABRIELLE: <blushes> Oh, Xena, you’re so romantic.

Xena takes Gabrielle in her arms and kisses her, then swoops her up and carries her to the bed.


Xena lays Gabrielle down on the bed and lies down next to her. Slowly she begins to remove Gabrielle’s BGSB.

XENA: Damn thing!


XENA: Won’t come undone!

A loud ripping noise is heard and the BGSB pops open.

GABRIELLE: I hope you brought your sewing kit.

XENA: Sorry.

Xena cups one of Gabrielle’s breasts in her hand and starts kissing it.


XENA: Hmmmmmmm???

GABRIELLE: Those women are still out there.

XENA: Mmmm hmmm…


XENA: Mmmmmmm???

GABRIELLE: I don’t think I can relax with them out there.

XENA: Mmmmmmmmmm…


XENA: Mmmmmmm????

GABRIELLE: I’m sorry. I just can’t concentrate.

XENA: Mmmmmm…

GABRIELLE: Make them go away.

XENA: <stops kissing Gabrielle’s breast and looks at her> Just how do you suggest I do that?


XENA: Listen, Gabrielle…


XENA: I’m going to tell you a story.

GABRIELLE: Oh, this should be good.

XENA: Once upon a time…


XENA: …when I was a warlord…


XENA: …I had women standing in line outside my tent…


XENA: …and I would go out and walk up and down the line and choose the most beautiful and most exciting woman there…

GABRIELLE: You would?

XENA: …and I would swoop her up in my arms and carry her inside my tent and make love to her all night.


XENA: Yes, and all night we would listen to the women still standing outside the tent waiting, in case I got tired of the woman I was with…


XENA: But they’re waiting in vain, because I’m with the woman I desire as I have never desired a woman before…


XENA: So while I am making love to the most beautiful and most exciting woman I have ever known…


XENA: Think about all those women waiting outside in vain, because I’m with you…


XENA: Hmmmm???

GABRIELLE: A little to the left…


Ed. note: BGSB is the acronym for a term coined by the online Xena fandom. It stands for “Bilious green sports bra,” the top worn by Gabrielle in Season Two when a short skirt and midriff-baring top replaced Gabrielle’s voluminous peasant outfit.