IV. Sex & Violence

Ed. note: In order to understand some of the in-jokes in this parody, it is helpful to be familiar with X/G Alternative Fan Fiction, in particular the story, Wedding Night, by Catherine M. Wilson and with the Dissertation she wrote about it.

It is mid-morning at Xena’s and Gabrielle’s campsite. Xena is lying on her stomach on their bedroll while Gabrielle gives her a backrub. There is a pile of scrolls next to the bedroll.

XENA: Those inn beds can sure mess up your back.

GABRIELLE: Are you sure it was the bed?

XENA: What do you mean?

GABRIELLE: You were doing some pretty amazing gymnastics…

XENA: I do gymnastics all the time without hurting my back.

GABRIELLE: I thought that was your stunt double.

XENA: Oh. Yeah. <a beat> Gabrielle?


XENA: What does dysfunctional mean?

GABRIELLE: Dysfunctional? I’m not sure… Where did you hear that?

XENA: It was in that magazine I subscribed to.

GABRIELLE: You mean Xenaverse?

XENA: Yeah.

GABRIELLE: I haven’t read it yet. I’m still reading the stories.

Gabrielle finishes up the backrub and slaps Xena on the rump.

GABRIELLE: <smack> There ya go!

XENA: Ow! <rubs her rump> What’s with all this woman/woman violence?

GABRIELLE: You call that violent?!?

XENA: They call it violent in the magazine.

GABRIELLE: Xena, you run people through with swords. I thwack people over the head with a big stick. A love pat on the keister is not violent.

XENA: Love pat?

GABRIELLE: <blushes> Sure.

XENA: Oh, well, I guess it’s OK then.

GABRIELLE: If you think that’s bad, you should see some of the stories about us.

XENA: What about ’em?

GABRIELLE: There’s stories where you’re still a warlord and you treat me very badly.

XENA: I didn’t even know you then.

GABRIELLE: It’s poetic license. There’s even one where you ra— er, I mean, where you got real upset over my marrying Perdicus.

XENA: Well I was real upset.

GABRIELLE: I know, but you behaved very badly.

XENA: What did I do?

GABRIELLE: Never mind, it’s not important.

XENA: What?!?!

GABRIELLE: Lovely day, isn’t it?

XENA: OK, where’s the story?

GABRIELLE: Xena, forget it. Please.

Xena rummages through the pile of scrolls until she finds one with a lavender Post-It<tm> note marking the beginning of a story.

XENA: Where’d you get the Post-It<tm>?

GABRIELLE: I filched it off Liz’s clipboard when she wasn’t looking.

XENA: I think it might be considered a bit anachronistic.

GABRIELLE: Everything in this show is anachronistic. And where are you learning all these big words, anyway?

XENA: Xenaverse. The stuff by Carmen Carter has words in it that’ll break your jaw.

GABRIELLE: I’ll have to read that…

Meanwhile Xena has been glancing through the story marked with the lavender Post-It<tm> note.

XENA: This woman is toast!


XENA: Catherine M. Wilson (aka Kit).

GABRIELLE: Honey, it’s just a story.

XENA: It’s character assassination! Get me my lawyer!


XENA: I mean chakram! <aside> What the hell is a lawyer!?!

GABRIELLE: What are you going to do?

XENA: Well, first I’m going to tie her to a post. Then I’m going to bounce my chakram off of each of her body parts. Then I’m going to—


Xena leaps to her feet and looks for the source of the voice that just hollered HEY!!!

XENA: Who’s that?

KIT: Catherine M. Wilson (aka Kit).

XENA: AHA!!! Come out and fight like a warrior!

KIT: Listen, Xena, calm down a minute.

XENA: I am calm. Just get your ass out here where I can see you.

KIT: Xena, have you read the Dissertation?

XENA: What’s that?

KIT: It explains what Wedding Night was about and why I wrote it.

XENA: I know why you wrote it. You get off on sexual violence. Just don’t project your dirty little secret onto me!

KIT: <hurt> I didn’t get off on it. That was a serious literary endeavor. If you’ll just allow me to quote from the Dissertation… <ahem> “and if we submit this theme to rigorous exegesis we will discover a mimetic pattern corresponding to the literary genre whose chief representation is found in…”

XENA: Goddess! She’s worse than Carmen!

KIT: I’m not done! <ahem> “whose chief representation is found in…”


Much later. Kit is still reading her Dissertation aloud. Xena and Gabrielle are lying on their bedroll sound asleep.

KIT: “It is clearly the author’s intent to demonstrate that the sexual expression of love between equals, which in a heterosexual context must always be theoretical, is, in this instance, …” <blah blah blah> “and that the immaturity of the Gabrielle character is further demonstrated by her passive/aggressive acting out of…”

GABRIELLE: <snort> Hey! <rubs her eyes> What did you just say?

KIT: Oh, dear. Now I’m in trouble with everybody…

XENA: <waking up and rubbing her eyes> I imagine you go through life being in trouble with everybody.

KIT: Pretty much…

GABRIELLE: Get her, Xena!!!

XENA: I’m not in the mood any more.

GABRIELLE: Where have I heard that before…

XENA: Hey! Let’s not air our dirty laundry in front of strangers.

GABRIELLE: Why not? You won’t talk about it in private.

XENA: That’s because I’m the strong, silent type…

GABRIELLE: I’m beginning to understand what “dysfunctional” means…

XENA: OK, OK, it’s just that I get a little bored…

GABRIELLE: <hurt> With me?

XENA: Not with you. With the same old thing all the time.

GABRIELLE: What do you mean?

XENA: It’s the same thing over and over. First we kiss. Then I kiss your breasts…

GABRIELLE: Always being sure to kiss them equally…

XENA: Then I kiss my way down your body…

GABRIELLE: <sigh> Uh huh…

XENA: Then I go down on you…

GABRIELLE: Oh, yeah!

XENA: Of course, in the stories, you come almost right away…

GABRIELLE: OK, so it takes me a little while. So sue me…

XENA: Well, my jaw gets tired…

GABRIELLE: Just see if you ever get your jaw anywhere near me again…

XENA: Now, honey, wait a minute…

Gabrielle walks off in a huff.

XENA: Now see what you did!

KIT: Who?

XENA: You!

KIT: I didn’t do a thing…

XENA: Hey, do you want to get your ass out of a sling…

KIT: <cautiously> How?

XENA: Write us a new story.

KIT: What kind of story?

XENA: Something with some new ideas in it.

KIT: That shouldn’t be too hard…

XENA: I need it by tonight.

KIT: Tonight?!? I can’t possibly…

XENA: Tonight!


Kit’s living room. Kit frantically dials the phone.

KIT: <ring> One ringy dingy. <ring> Two ringy dingy.

DONNA: Hello.

KIT: We’re in big trouble…


KIT: Well, me.

DONNA: So what else is new? What kind of trouble?

KIT: Xena needs to put a little variety into her lovemaking.


KIT: So I’m supposed to come up with some new ideas…

DONNA: Is that a problem?

KIT: Gee, Donna, it’s been so long, I can’t really remember much about it…

DONNA: How about sex toys?

KIT: Did that.

DONNA: Fantasy role playing?

KIT: That too.

DONNA: Bondage? S/M?

KIT: I think Xena might have a problem with that…

DONNA: Really? How come?

KIT: A little too close to home maybe.

DONNA: Oh. I’ll have to think about this…

KIT: OK. Send me email if you think of anything. Bye.


Kit hangs up the phone, goes into her office, and sits down at the computer.


Later. Xena’s and Gabrielle’s campsite. Xena and Gabrielle are sitting together on their bedroll.

XENA: I didn’t mean it. Honest.


XENA: I’ll make it up to you tonight…


KIT: Xena!

Xena leaps to her feet and looks around for the source of the voice.

KIT: It’s me. Kit.

XENA: Oh. So did you come up with some new ideas?

KIT: I think so.

XENA: Well?

A scroll materializes in the air and drops at Xena’s feet. Xena picks it up and starts to read it.

XENA: Wow!!!

KIT: Is that OK?

XENA: I’m willing to give it a try…

KIT: Am I out of trouble yet?

XENA: Tell you later.

Xena slips the scroll into her cleavage.

GABRIELLE: Can’t I read it?

XENA: I’ll read it to you tonight.


Xena points to a scroll that is lying on the ground next to Gabrielle. It has a lavender Post-It<tm> note on it.

XENA: Hand me that scroll, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE: Which one?

XENA: That goddess-awful story!

GABRIELLE: Wedding Night?

XENA: Yeah. <aside> What a misleading title…

GABRIELLE: <hands her the scroll> Here you go…

XENA: Thanks.

Xena takes the scroll and starts to exit stage right.

GABRIELLE: Where are you going?

XENA: I gotta take a dump….