V. Reality Check

Kit’s house. Kit is on the phone with Donna.

DONNA: You did what?!?!?!

KIT: I made it a threesome.

DONNA: Xena and Gabrielle and who else?

KIT: Me.

DONNA: No way! And Xena went for it?

KIT: Sure, why not? Actually, I could use the practice...


Evening. Xena’s and Gabrielle’s campsite. Xena is reading from a scroll.

XENA: <reads> “Then a beautiful woman entered the clearing and sat down next to Gabrielle. She was tall, blond, and willowy, still in the bloom of youth, but with an exciting air of experience. She reached across Gabrielle to touch Xena’s face. ‘I could show you a thing or two,’ she said.”


Later. Xena’s and Gabrielle’s campsite. Xena and Gabrielle are lying happily in each other’s arms, enjoying the afterglow.

GABRIELLE: So are we ever going to meet this beautiful woman?

XENA: Kit?

GABRIELLE: Yeah… <sigh>

XENA: That might be arranged. Doesn’t Ares still owe me a favor?

GABRIELLE: I wouldn’t mess with Ares, if I were you.

XENA: Come on, Ares. Do your stuff!

GABRIELLE: Xena, maybe you should think this over.

XENA: Your wish is my command, Gabrielle. Besides, I’d like to meet her myself… <evil grin>

The air next to Xena starts to shimmer. A Star Trek <tm> transporter beam takes shape, and slowly Kit appears.

KIT: Oh shit!

XENA: Kit?

KIT: Uh, yeah…

XENA: You’re not tall.

KIT: Uh, no…

XENA: Or blond…

KIT: Used to be…

XENA: Or young…

KIT: Not recently…

XENA: Or willowy.

KIT: Well…

XENA: In fact, not to put too fine a point on it, you’re fat!

KIT: Rubenesque!

XENA: Whatever!

KIT: It’s poetic license.

XENA: It’s false advertising.


XENA: What?

GABRIELLE: Ask her if she’s good in bed…

XENA: <to Kit> Are you?

KIT: Not really…

XENA: I think your ass just went back in that sling.

GABRIELLE: Xena, wait!

XENA: What?

GABRIELLE: Well, she writes a pretty good story.

XENA: True…

GABRIELLE: <to Kit> Will you write us some more stories?

KIT: Sure, Gabrielle. I’d be glad to. <to Xena> Can I go home now?

XENA: OK, OK. Sure. Ares, take her away.

The transporter beam reappears and Kit dissolves into it.

XENA: What a letdown!

Gabrielle snuggles closer to Xena.

GABRIELLE: Oh, not really… It was a lovely story.

XENA: <grudgingly> I guess so…

GABRIELLE: Very sexy…

XENA: Yeah…


XENA: What?

GABRIELLE: Read it again?