VI. Co-dependent No More

Morning. Xena’s and Gabrielle’s campsite. Xena is reading a scroll while Gabrielle is cleaning up the breakfast dishes.

XENA: <holds out the scroll to Gabrielle> What’s this word?

GABRIELLE: Anonymous.

XENA: Amonamus?

GABRIELLE: Repeat after me: an - non - ih - mus.

XENA: am - mon - a - mus.

GABRIELLE: Close enough.

XENA: Thanks.

GABRIELLE: What are you reading?

XENA: Xenaverse.

GABRIELLE: Don’t hurt your head…

XENA: Huh?

GABRIELLE: Never mind.

XENA: Gabrielle?


XENA: What’s co-dependent?


XENA: It says here you’re co-dependent.

GABRIELLE: Is it a good thing?

XENA: I’m not sure.

GABRIELLE: Let’s see that.

Gabrielle puts away the last of the breakfast dishes and takes the scroll from Xena.

XENA: Great. Now I don’t have anything to read…

GABRIELLE: Wait. <rummages through the scrolls> Here’s a good one. <hands Xena a scroll>

XENA: <skeptical> A story?

GABRIELLE: Yeah. What’s the matter? I thought you liked stories…

XENA: <too quickly> Of course I like stories. At least, I like your stories.

GABRIELLE: <blushes> Oh, Xena…. Well, I think you’ll like this story.

XENA: Is it about fighting?

GABRIELLE: No. It’s about lovemaking.

XENA: I’d rather read about fighting.

GABRIELLE: Trust me.

XENA: <sigh> OK, OK, I’ll read it.

Xena starts reading the story and Gabrielle starts reading Xenaverse. Several minutes pass…

GABRIELLE: Oh, dear.

Several minutes pass…

XENA: Wow!

Several minutes pass…


Several minutes pass…

XENA: Hubba hubba!!!

Several minutes pass…

GABRIELLE: Not good…

Several minutes pass…

XENA: Gabrielle?


XENA: Wanna mess around?

GABRIELLE: I suppose you think I’m just going to fall over for you at the drop of a hat!

XENA: Huh?

GABRIELLE: What am I? A plaything?

XENA: What are you talking about?

GABRIELLE: “Wanna mess around?” What’s up with that?!?!?!? No romance? No foreplay? No tenderness?

XENA: I was getting to that…

GABRIELLE: Well you can just forget it!

XENA: Hey! You wanted me to read this story. What did you think was going to happen?

GABRIELLE: So all I’m here for is to satisfy your sexual appetites.

XENA: I wouldn’t say all

GABRIELLE: Right. I’m also here to do the dishes, make the bedroll, give you backrubs, tell you stories…

XENA: Is that a problem?

GABRIELLE: It is now!

XENA: Why?

GABRIELLE: Just because you’re the one with all the power in this relationship…

XENA: I am?

GABRIELLE: Well, that’s going to change!


GABRIELLE: Not good enough.

XENA: I said OK.

GABRIELLE: That doesn’t alter the fact that you have the de facto power in a relationship which, as it is in many ways analogous to the institution of heterosexual marriage, must consist of an inequitable power dynamic…

XENA: Speak in plain Greek, will you?

GABRIELLE: Don’t you ever pull my hair again!


GABRIELLE: What time is it?

XENA: <stomach growls> Lunchtime?

GABRIELLE: Right! I bet I can just make that noon meeting.

XENA: Meeting?

GABRIELLE: I’ll need to borrow Argo for awhile.


GABRIELLE: Saddle her up for me, will you.

XENA: Sure.

Xena saddles Argo and helps Gabrielle to mount, then watches with a puzzled expression on her face as Gabrielle rides away.

XENA: Must be her time of the month…

Xena picks up the scroll that Gabrielle was reading.

XENA: <reads> “Co-dependents Amonamus meets every day at noon at your local cyber cafe. Be there or be co-dependent.”

Xena puts the scroll down and picks up the story she was reading before.

XENA: Probably not a good idea…

Xena puts the story scroll away, sits down, and tries to think of something to do.

A crashing, clanking and clattering noise is heard, and Joxer enters the clearing.

JOXER: Yo! Xena!

XENA: Yo, Joxer.

JOXER: Where’s Gabby?

XENA: She went to a meeting.

JOXER: A meeting?

XENA: Yeah. Co-dependents Amonamus.

JOXER: Uh oh.

XENA: Uh oh?

JOXER: There’s a very famous theory about that.

XENA: Theory?

JOXER: It’s called the Domino Theory.

XENA: What’s a domino?

JOXER: It’s a little black thing with white dots on it… No, wait. It’s a thing that falls over on another thing that falls over on another thing…

XENA: Joxer!

JOXER: Anyway, if you give ’em a furlong, they’ll take a league.

XENA: What are you talking about?

JOXER: One thing leads to another. Today it’s Co-dependents Amonamus. Tomorrow it’s assertiveness training.

XENA: Gabrielle gets her assertiveness training from me!

JOXER: Not for long. Mark my words. In the next few weeks she’ll call you misogynistic and chauvinistic, a woman-hating jerk, a sexist pig, a strutting, inept egotist. She’ll complain about your macho bluster. She’ll accuse you of nepotism--

XENA: Eeeeewww!!! That’s disgusting!!!

JOXER: <pouts> And it’s not true either!

XENA: There, there. <pat, pat> Of course not.

JOXER: She’ll accuse you of making her coddle your wounded ego, of making her life a daily hell, of defensive arrogance to the point of delusion, of thinking with your… Well, maybe not that…

XENA: Joxer, where have you been getting all this?

JOXER: Someone gave me a subscription to a magazine.

XENA: What magazine?

JOXER: Xenaverse.

XENA: I must have missed that thread.

JOXER: Anyway, you better put a stop to it.

XENA: I can’t do that.

JOXER: Sure you can.

XENA: I respect her, Joxer. I don’t have the right to tell her what to do.

JOXER: <leers suggestively at Xena> Whatsa matter, Xena? Has she got you pussy-whipped?

XENA: No, we haven’t tried that yet. Is it fun?

JOXER: I better go. I have an appointment. Some guy called Butthead is looking for a sidekick.

XENA: Sounds right up your alley.

JOXER: Farewell, warrior chum!

XENA: Bye, Joxer.

Joxer exits.