It's the 1990's now. Actually, it's the late 1990's now and people keep talking about the new millennium like it's some kind of cosmic milestone on the horizon that will cause everyone to suddenly realize "Gosh darn it! It's a new millenium, and what the heck are we going to do about it?" That New Year's Eve will be unlike any other we've had. Think about it. There's enough introspection and soul searching going on during any normal passing of a year. The implications of making resolutions for a new millenium are almost too staggering to imagine. "This millenium I really will lose those ten pounds." And you wonder if anyone is thinking "eh, that can wait, I'll put it off until 2100, or maybe 3000". Or will the mind-boggling approach of the year 2000 fall upon us like the shadow of the monolith from "2001: A Space Odyssey" making everyone run frantically in all directions, trying to finish everything they wanted to do before the 1900's were done for? Well, not to worry. Everyone will probably react in their own way (My only resolution anywhere near that time period is to not put myself in the situation of having to find a babysitter for New Year's Eve 1999. Or else I could open a one-night only nanny agency and charge $100 a diaper change. But then, you'd think people would want to usher in the new millenium with their newborns. After all, they're the ones that will spend more of their lives in it. But I digress.) I'm sure a lot of people will be looking forward, but I bet most of the mindshare will go to looking back. After all, you can't do a compelling TV show with footage that hasn't been shot yet. So I started thinking, what great things have happened in the 1900s? And I came up with the big one for me.

    Forget the "Information Age" (you ain't seen nothing yet where that's concerned), forget Tang and how that helped us walk on the moon. The biggest far-reaching change of the 1900s has been in the treatment of women and consequently the empowerment of women to act like they truly want to act. That, for me, is why I would rather live in this age I am living in than any other. Sure, it would've been neat to be one of the pioneers for women's rights, maybe a suffragette in bloomers. Or maybe it would be nicer to live in one of those hopeful ages in the future when being female isn't a barrier to anything. But, and it's not like I have the choice, I'd like to think that this mid-point, and believe me, it is a midpoint, not an endpoint, is one of the more interesting times to be female. Here we are, finally getting the respect we deserve, and people, men and other women, are willing to listen to us, be led by us, and acknowledge our intelligence. It used to be only babies that did that. And everyone thought that was because they didn't know any better, or at least they knew enough to understand who did all the feeding and diaper changing. We have the chance now, and I mean everyone, not just women, to really grow and do something with this new climate. Now we can really prove that we are worth very bit as much as any other person. Women have the chance to prove their worth to themselves too. That might be the most important thing. And each woman who accomplishes something of worth and value further reinforces the equal strength and power of her gender. It doesn't have to be some huge thing. It can be as simple as speaking up in class. Writing a letter to the editor. Voting for what you want. Encouraging your spouse to take "maternity" leave. Each action can only be good. Even if another woman doesn't agree with it. Inaction is bad. No one knows how you feel if you don't do anything. So, I started thinking, what can I do myself to take advantage of this new climate of tolerance for women's rights?

    Here's something that I learned about myself recently. I like to apologize. I seem to do it whenever I feel I have done anything slightly wrong. And I noticed, frighteningly, that I do it more to men. Yes, I am a butt-kissing mea culpa parrot. Sorry for this, sorry for that, whoops! sorry I opened the door for you when it probably didn't look too cool 'cause you're the male. Sorry I can't do that for you, because I am female and I refuse to cater to your male ego. Sorry I can't go camping, that's the week I'm having my period. Sorry I'm crying because Bambi's mother just got shot. OK. STOP. Here's the gosh darn it 100% gotta do it resolution for the new millenium. And I'm going to start it now. I will stop, absolutely and totally, apologizing for being female. Or for being me, for that matter (I just happen to be female). This is how I am, this is how I am going to be, and there isn't any reason I should feel sorry for any of it. If that's how I am, so be it. If I have a bad habit or something I want to change, sure, I can apologize for it, but I will never apologize just for being who I am and acting the way I believe I should act. There's just no point in it.

    Let me tell you how I discovered this trait of mine. I was at an arcade by an ice skating rink with a male friend. He wasn't a very close friend, but I knew him well enough to know that he was good at video games and owned his own gaming system. We decided to play Virtua Fighter. I don't know whose idea it was, but I knew that I had trounced my boyfriend at it the first time we played it. He had been thrilled to find a game that I could actually give him a decent challenge on, since I normally suck at these things. So maybe it was my idea because I knew I had maybe a glimmer of chance of holding my own at least for a little while. We started playing. I won. I really won. I mean, I was kicking his ass, literally on the screen at least. He kept pumping in more and more quarters, determined to find a way to beat me. But he never did. And finally I got tired and we decided to leave. When we got in the car, I noticed his mood had changed. He was completely silent, a broken man. He couldn't believe what I had done. The experience had made him depressed. And with every good intention of making him feel better, I spent most of the ride home saying I was sorry. I'm sorry I won. I hope you feel better soon. I didn't know I was that good. I'm really sorry. Hey, I'm sure you could kick my butt at Mortal Kombat if you wanted to. I'm sorry. Pouty face. Sad eyes. I must have looked like a cross between Suzie Wong and a puppy dog who had peed on the new carpet. Only I was wearing my Wellesley sweatshirt.

    I never really understood what compelled me to apologize. I had done nothing wrong. So what was I apologizing for? I thought I was apologizing for making him feel bad. Because he truly looked awful. I wasn't sure if he would ever recover. He got beat on Virtua Fighter by a girl. And a girl who didn't spend much time playing video games at that. But that was his problem, not mine. Hell, if anything he should have apologized to me for acting like it was insane that I could ever do that to him. I am quick- thinking, intelligent, and have the hand-eye coordination to match any male I know (OK, well, I do know people who juggle quite well, but that's different). I was just as capable as anyone else of doing well at that game and I probably had less experience than he did playing it. Instead, I was apologizing because I was female and shouldn't have done so well. Maybe that's not why he was feeling bad, though I had seen him feeling just fine after losing on other games to male friends, but that was why I felt like apologizing. I was saying to myself "well, he's supposed to be good at these things and he wasn't. I'm not supposed to be any good and I was. Therefore, I should feel bad that he did so poorly." I was feeling wracked with GUILT!! Bullshit. There's no reason I should have done any worse. Forget those studies that women just aren't as attuned to video games as men. They just don't want to play them. That's different from being able to be good at them.

    I told this story to someone recently and he said "you know, apologizing only makes it worse." So my intentions, good as they were, didn't result in anything helpful anyway. It certainly didn't make me feel any better. The best thing for me to do is to put a stop to this silly behavior of mine. No more apologizing for something that needs no apology. And that means I need to stop feeling sorry for behaving like what I am. It won't be easy. But I'm going to try. And when I slip up, I'm going to do my best not to say "I'm sorry I apologized". Well, maybe I'll just say it to myself.

    So, there you have my big resolution for the new millenium. And I throw down the challenge to you. Don't apologize for being who you are and what you believe in. And make it a point to go hang out at your own version of the arcade and show people you can kick ass too.

©1997 Lilly Tao