My 1998 Year-End Review

At Christmas time, many people send out a summary of what has gone on in their life over the past year. Well, I have decided to send out my own summary as an e-mail message. I hope you enjoy.

THE ANT WAR

Ants have been waging a guerrilla war against my home for years now, but this January I decided to get serious about fighting back. I had realized that the tactics of conventional warfare were ineffective against such a cunning and well-organized enemy. The history of previous guerrilla wars would suggest, for example, that spraying bug spray on an ant trail is about as ineffective against an ant force as bombing the Ho Chi Minh trail was against the Viet Cong. Something else was necessary.

Let me assure you that victory in these trying times requires guts, intelligence, and, most of all, cleaning your apartment. In this endeavor, I enlisted the aid of Cindi, who helped me spend 3 consecutive weekends in January at this task-- trust me, it was arduous and painful--but the results were very positive. To ensure continued cleanliness, I started bringing in a maid service once every two weeks.

With the ants' food supply (that is to say, Pop Tart crumbs and crumbled Rice Crispies in the carpet) now removed, the next step was their final annihilation. Borrowing a trick from the ancient Greeks, I used the old Trojan Ant technique. My friendly neighborhood grocery store sells little containers of ant food and arsenic. The ants happily carry off the food and the poison back to their nests, thus killing off their population, as well as their Queen, the mysterious monarch known only by her code name, "Ant B".

AUSTIN

Last April Cindi and I travelled to Austin, Texas. Ostensibly it was to view the 3rd Annual Big Stinkin' Improv and Sketch Comedy Festival, which was sponsored by the cable TV network Comedy Central. However, it was also an excuse to go on vacation and see a city we had never been to before.

Austin may be the capital of Texas, but it exudes a self-image of hipness that one doesn't necessary associate with that state. This is partly due to its reputation as "The Live Music Capital of the World", and partly also due to its large influx of high tech industry. When I told people in Austin that I was from San Francisco, I frequently got a favorable comparison of our respective cities. "San Francisco and Austin are both cool places", one taxi driver told me. I didn't necessarily think that Austin was as cool as it likes to think it is. For one thing, no matter how cool it might be, it still resides in Texas. The memorial in front of the statehouse, which commemorates the brave Confederate cause of freedom against evil Northern aggression, can serve as a reminder of just where in North America I happened to be. That being said, the live music reputation is probably at least somewhat deserved. I am not talking so much about the nightclubs on 4th street, which are mostly rock and roll venues like you find in any city. Rather, I refer to the fact that it is apparently not uncommon to hear live music at family restaurants there. One night, Cindi and I had dinner at a barbeque place; after dinner, we were treated to a free concert by Sarah Elizabeth Campbell, a Texas folk singer who I had seen perform in Berkeley. I even owned one of her CDs. This was Austin at its best.

As for the reason we supposedly came to Austin--the comedy festival--the less said the better. With notable exception of L.A. Theatresports, the improv that we saw was almost universally bad. We did discover a wonderful sketch comedy group, the Bert Fershners, whose inspired silliness was the highlight of the festival.

As for the overall highlight of our trip to Austin, it was probably the bats. There is a whole colony of them--millions of them, literally--who live under the Congress Avenue bridge and who fly out at dusk to feed on the insects. A stream of millions of bats is not a sight you see in every American city.

Hmmm...I wonder if bats feed on ants?

SEATTLE

Cindi and I travelled to Seattle over July 4 weekend. The guidebooks assured us, in no uncertain terms, that--despite Seattle's reputation as a rainy city--It Doesn't Rain Much In the Summer!!!! The guidebooks were even so devious as to offer statistics in support of this claim. Only four days of rain on the average during the month of July, they told us. Well, we were there for four days, and it rained during of three of them. Fie on those guidebooks, I say. However, the weather was perhaps less disappointing than the fact that I never did run into Bill Gates while I was up there, because I wanted to tell him to his face that he is a really big jerk. Oh well, maybe next time.

DENMARK

I made my second trip to Denmark in two years. Denmark is a lovely Scandinavian country that I am completely enamored with, notwithstanding its proximity to the Arctic Circle. While in Copenhagen, I met Ulla, a delightful Danish woman with whom I had previously exchanged e-mails. She was very helpful to me, in such ways as assisting me in booking train tickets, and helping me figure out what to do when I discovered to my horror that my bank card was not being accepted by any of the ATMs there. In addition to Copenhagen, I spent a couple of days in Odense, the birthplace of Hans Christian Andersen. I also took a day trip with Ulla to Malmö, a city in Sweden that can be reached via a 45 minute ferry ride from Copenhagen. Ulla loved to make fun of the way that Swedes talked, especially when it came from the mouths of blonde Swedish women, although I tried to point out to her that Swedes probably think that she is the one who talks funny.

BICYCLE

Ah the joys of owning a bicycle! Since buying my bike last May, I have had a broken chain, a bent rim, broken spokes, and the lights and seat bag were stolen.

When my bike was in working order, it was actually rather wonderful. There is a path in my neighborhood that runs along the beach, and on summer evenings, I often rode my bike along that path and watched the sun setting over the Pacific Ocean.

Cindi and I participated in a charity bicycling event, "The Tour de Peninsula". It is a ride, not a race--its motto is "No pain, no pain". That being said, it is impossible to participate in that ride without pain. The motto should have been, "No pain, no ride your bike". You can either ride 33 miles or take the 21 mile shortcut (we chose to ride 21), over hills that are not particularly moderate--one of them, dubbed "Mount Neverest", was notably , shall we say, challenging. To add insult to injury, the temperature that day was about 95 degrees (35 Celsius). But we did it--we rode the 21 miles. And I would do it again.

IMPROV

I began the year by taking a couple of intermediate level improv classes at Bay Area Theatresports. After receiving a rather critical written evaluation from one of the instructors, I took a long break. However, never let it be said that I will let a lack of talent stand in the way of my improv education. So I am back at, plugging way.

ANTS

As 1998 draws to a close, the rainy season in California is in full swing. Rainfall in the outdoors has driven ants to seek refuge in my house. After many months of an ant-free existence in my humble abode, I must endure yet another invasion. And so the battle begins once more.

Return to Home Page