I asked the Prophet, “What be the signs of this Apocalypse?”
Spike raised his hands, and yea, a great lightning appeared in the sky. “Question you the words of a Prophet?”
“I do,” said I to the man from Sausalito.
Spike said, “Here be the the first sign of the Y2K Apocalypse. Of the Apocalypse, there be three signs, and here be the first of the three.”
“The first sign is that the Ty Corporation hath intended to cease production of Beanie Babies when the year endeth. Thou knowest well that this bodeth poorly for the world. For thou thyself hath collected many Beanie Babies”
“Nay,” said I. “Tis not a sign of the Apocalypse that Beanie Babies shall be no more. For my collection of Beanie Babies shall merely appreciate in value and make me richer beyond my wildest dreams, as the supply of such Babies doth dry up. And thou knowest as well, that the Ty Corporation sayeth that they may change their decision when the clock striketh 12 on the last day of the year, pending the result of a telephone poll.”
“Thou art a clever man to refute me so,” said Spike. “But now here be the second sign, which thou surely shall accept as proof of the coming catastrophe. Listen thou to the words of Spike the Prophet from Sausalito.
The second sign be that the shortest day of the year, which thou callest the Winter Solstice, was warmer than the longest day of the year, which thou callest the Summer Solstice. Now let this surely convince you that the Apocalypse is at hand.”
“Nay,” said I. “For though it be true that in my city of San Francisco, the thermometer did reach the upper sixties on December 21, and only 65 on June 21, thou knowest well that the weather in my city conformeth not to the standards of continental temperate climates, for its weather be tempered by the Ocean currents of which we call Pacific.”
“Thou art cleverer than most,” said Spike. “But now listen to the third and final of these signs, and let thou be convinced that my words be correct. The third sign of the Y2K Apocalypse be the following. It hath been reported that those who steal from bookstores in thy city, choose to steal most often those books which hath been written by the Apostate, Charles Bukowski, for there be an underground market in the stories and poetry of this man. It sayeth so in an alternative weekly newspaper in thy city, which calleth itself SF Weekly. Thou knowest that Charles Bukowski writeth of whores, and drinking, and gambling his shekels of silver at the racetrack. This is the final sign of the coming Y2K Apocalypse.”
“Nay,” said I. “Thou art wrong again. For though Charles Bukowski writeth of whores, and drinking, and gambling his shekels of silver at the racetrack, verily, I own one such book of Bukowski. And should my Beanie Baby collection not appreciate in value, surely shall my Charles Bukowski book, for it shall be in high demand.”
And then I proclaimed, “Thou art but a false prophet, Spike from Sausalito. Canst thou see that I myself have traveled to the future, and that I come bringing newspaper clippings from the year 2000, which prove that there be no Apocalypse?”
And when Spike the False Prophet from Sausalito saw my newspaper clippings, he knew that I was cleverer than he, and with a flash of lightning and a peal of thunder that was heard as far away as San Mateo, Spike disappeared.
“Yippie!” the future Commander-and-Chief of American’s
nuclear arsenal exclaimed. “See, I AM smart enough to be
President!” The Bush campaign, energized by this event,
immediately raised 879 billion dollars in campaign funds
from his delighted supporters.
“I just don’t understand how this happened,” said Joan
Gregarian, a spokesman for Hollywood. “We always try to
create quality cinema, where ideas and character development
are more important than mindless displays of special effects
or action sequences. It’s almost as if this movie was just
released to appeal to the lowest common denominator or
something.”
Hollywood has assured us that this will not happen again.
“I guess that phrase had become a little overused over the
last year,” Jake admits. I found myself using it at parties
or with my wife, and I’d get this look, like, ‘Oh please,
Jake, it’s not amusing anymore.’ There are 270 million
Americans, and 269,999,999 of them just got tired of it
before I did.”
2000 – A YEAR IN REVIEW
March 3, 2000. BUSH FOUND TO BE SMARTER THAN QUAYLE
The world sighed with relief when George W. Bush, future
President of the United States, was finally able to
correctly answer a social studies question. During an
interview with the Washington Post, after being unable to
produce the answers to 197 questions about international
leaders and world geography (among them, ‘What continent is
the nation of Australia located on?’), he finally correctly
identified the European Union as being located in Europe.
May 13, 2000. HOLLYWOOD MAKES A BAD MOVIE
In a complete surprise to the film going public, a really
mindless, stupid movie was released by a Hollywood studio
today.
June 27, 2000. REGIS LOSES HIS ALLY
Jake Sorensen, 63, of Duluth Minnesota, became the last
holdout to finally concede that he, too, had simply had
enough of the phrase ‘Is that your final answer?’
August 5, 2000. CANADA MAKES THE NEWS
Something newsworthy happened in Canada today. Nobody from
Canada was able to explain this unusual occurrence, but
Canada has assured us that this is a one-time event and it
will not happen again.
September 9, 2000. COMPETITION GETS UGLY
Starbucks announced today that it would tear down its coffee
house at 8th and Irving, so that it could build a Starbucks
coffee house in its place. Starbucks spokesman Vinnie “The
Fist” Graziano explained, “Now that we have successfully
gobbled up or destroyed every independent coffee house in
the country, there are no competitors left to put out of
business. The only way we could continue to satisfy our
lust for conquest was by putting our own stores out of
business, which we could then replace with our own stores.
October 12, 2000. SPACE MISSION
A ship was launched into outer space today. Its destination
is Jupiter, where it will investigate a mysterious obelisk
that had been found orbiting the giant planet. It should
arrive there sometime next year. The ship has been equipped
with a large but doomed crew and a sentient but mentally
disturbed computer. We anxiously await the results of this
mission.
December 31, 2000. PARTY LIKE ITS 2000.
A group of pedantic twits held a millennium celebration at
the home of Marvin Parnassus. “The millennium begins on
2001, not 2000,” Marvin insisted. Sources report that all
the people who actually cared about this issue, all three of
them, are said to have appeared at Marvin’s party.