FRIEND.WRU[1,REM] -- What is a friend?
                        by Robert Elton Maas
        Edited from my diary "I was a teenage mathematician"
         (further edited 2003.Apr.14, slight edit 2013.Jan.04, 2015.Sep.20)

A friend is:
        
        A person who likes to be around you, and who enjoys being
around to help if he can when you are in a bad mood, upset, depressed,
unhappy, lonely, worried, puzzled or otherwise not the best of company
for a while.  A real friend gives you good advice if he has it, but
doesn't try to enslave you or force you to change if you don't
understand how the change will help life.  A friend has some common
interest with you that the two of you can enjoy together. A friend is
not afraid to get closer to you, learning more about you, sharing more
about himself; a friend wants to be close.
        If a friend is unsure he understood something you did or said,
he asks for more information. If he is bothered by something you did,
he asks you why you did it.  If he disputes the reasons, he is willing
to hear your side and to discuss the issue, not debate it.
        And basic to all this is an illogical unexplained liking for
you and a willingness to let this liking express itself and guide him.
He's just gotta like you so much that he always wants to be with you
soon.  And you must be fair in your demands upon him, not "use" him,
but enjoy and make full use of the friendship he offers.

        A "friend" is not a game you play in a group.  It is an
individual one-to-one human relationship which exists independently of
any other person or thing. It may be initiated or enhanced or promoted
by a hobby or by the presence of other people, but the relationship
exists as a slight love of the two people for each other.

* Specific aspects of some friends, desiderata:

Someone you would tell the truth to, even if it hurts him, because it
would hurt him and you more to lie or conceal.

Someone you tell all the interesting things you do, ditto reverse, such
that you enjoy telling, hearing, doing.

Someone you can really talk to.

Someone who can see you in all your moods, good & bad, help you through
the bad ones, and not abandon you just because your bad moods annoy
him.

Someone on whom you can burden your problems.

Someone who likes to do the same things you do, and who likes to do
them with you, and you like to do them with him too.

Someone with whom you can discuss the really important things in your
life and plan for life the way you want it.

Someone who cares about you enough to get personally involved.

Someone who likes you, and whom you like, and who knows so much about
you that he can almost begin to understand some tiny part of you.

Someone who keeps you informed of his whereabouts (trips, vacations,
new jobs, moving, ...) and who is interested in your whereabouts.

Someone to have around to talk to when I need someone. Someone to fill
that lonely gap in my life which is almost always.

Someone who invites me to visit him:
(1) By his own free will & initiative, not only in response to my request
or proximity.
(2) Personally to me, not just "everyone who is around".
(3) Purpose of visit is to be together and develop our relationship, or
to do things together, not for professionally interviewing or treating
me for mental disorders.  No strings attached, just "come as you are
and visit".
(4) Doesn't go off and ignore me, forget that I'm there.
(5) Actual consumation of the visit per the invitation.
(6) The person is approximately my age.

Someone who lets you park your car in front of their house when you are
lonely.

Somebody who comes over when I've been getting harassing phone calls,
and sits with me until the phone rings again, and answers my phone for
me, and explains to the caller that I want them to stop harassing me.

Somebody who lives nearby and likes me and cares about me enough to
drive me to the emergency room when the advice nurse says I need to go
there immediately but it's not safe to drive myself.

Somebody who has known me for at least one year and is willing to be
listed as a personal reference when I'm applying for a job.

Somebody who checks if I'm alive at least three times a week, in case
I'm in a coma or suffered a stroke or I'm flat on my back unable to
move so I can't reach the phone to call 911.

Somebody who introduces me to other people he knows, so I won't have to
be alone almost all the time.

Somebody who tries my latest computer software and tells me how he
likes it and suggests how to make it even better.

Somebody who goes with me to look for a job, telling recruiters and
potential employers how good my work is and how I deserve to be paid
for it.

Somebody willing to go to court with me to tell everyone what a good
person and parent I am and how I deserve to keep my children with me.


* (Specific extras for Girlfriend, Sweetheart, Lover, Wife):

Someone who likes me enough to kiss me a lot.

Someone I can love, but someone who truly deserves my love and accepts
it.

Someone with whom I can establish a relationship that includes all of
the following:  kissing, hugging, sleeping together, talking and
communicating, doing things together, sharing, teaching each other,
loving each other.

Someone with whom I can find out what it is like to have a sexual partner.

Someone with whom I can rear children of our own.

Someone who doesn't beat me up, nor abuse our children, nor ransack
our home, nor abandon us, nor have affairs with other men.