Fallen -- Time wasn't on my side, as I was watching the dreadful bits of this movie when theology and philosophy were discussed. Fortunately, there weren't all that many of them, and the ones that were there were brief enough not to make me want to cry. There were several very good paranoia scenes throughout, creating an eerie mood of being up against something considerably more than human. A point of note is the performance of the actor playing the serial killer executed at the beginning of the movie -- he's creepy. Minus points given for the obnoxious voiceovers by Denzel Washington, who shouldn't do voiceovers, but many more plus points given for an ending the way *I* would end a movie. Left me with a warm, gooey feeling and a smirk on my face. ***+1/4 / *****
Deconstructing Harry -- This one's all about Woody Allen, portraying a writer who is actually Woody Allen, who writes about a character who is actually the writer who is actually Woody Allen. Confused? That's the point -- at first. After you get a few minutes into Deconstructing Harry, it'll all make sense (relatively speaking), flipping seamlessly between clips from the title character's books and his real life and his daydreams. For Woody Allen followers, this will be a surprising movie to watch, as it's a lot "dirtier" than anything he's done before. Whether this is good or bad you can decide for yourself, but this earned its R rating. The humor, aside from being profane, was hit-and-miss throughout, but was hit- enough to keep me laughing at least half the time, though the self-referential psych sessions with Harry tended to drag on. It could have used about 15 less minutes. Look for Billy Crystal (one in a cast of thousands of stars) in his most amusing role in a long time. ***+1/2 / *****
Mouse Hunt -- If there is a God, there will be no sequel to Mouse Hunt. Brutally bad, no saving throw. Think of a Tom and Jerry cartoon, substitute people for Tom, take out all the humor, make it live action, add Christopher Walken being far too creepy for a family comedy, and you have Mouse Hunt. Any points it gets, it gets for the admittedly impressive mousefx. Would have walked out if I hadn't decided on doing a double feature. The first scene showed such promise, too. 1/2 / *****
Hard Rain -- Despite the various plot twists, expect no surprises from this run-of-the-mill disaster/action movie. This film answers the question, "How long can you have a chase scene last?" Answer? Just over an hour and a half. Christian Slater runs from bad guys for the entire movie, with "help" from Minnie Driver (who really is only in the movie to get in trouble) and a bitter sheriff. The characters are stereotypically one-dimensional, and motives for their actions are conspicuously missing. But hey -- it doesn't matter, there's a lot of water, enough guns to keep gun people happy, swimming, and did I mention lots of water? As Twister showed that it'd suck a great deal to be caught in the tornado, Volcano showed that it'd suck terribly to be near an eruption, and Titanic showed how it'd just suck to be on board a sinking ship, Hard Rain reminds us that floods can suck, too. Revelation! I really /was/ left with a sense of "being there" which is missing from many disaster movies... and this one added some crooks into the mix. Cover your ears during a particularly stupid death scene. See it on matinee if you're bored -- I was thrilled when I saw it, but that's only because I saw Mouse Hunt right before. **+3/4 / *****
Spiceworld -- Despite the spicy title, it's a rather vanilla movie, all things considered. If you're not a fan of the Girls, let me save you an hour and a half of saffron: don't waste your thyme on this one. However, if you don't hate them, or (like me) you think they're just plain savory, some sage advice is to cumin get it while it's still hot... due to chili reviews by cloves-minded critics, I cayenne see this bay-sically good-hearted flick tarragon from theaters before too long, parsley because the anti-Spice movement is inexplicably strong these days. The plot (what little there is), doesn't have too many leeks in it, and follows the girls through a series of capers they experience on the way to their first live show (which will turn out to be a lemon if the villain and his kelpers get their way). Peppered with silliness and grrl power, I was really arrow rooting for Our Heroes by the end of the movie. In particularly odd moments, Roger Moore shows his salt and earns his celery in an odd turn that most closely resembles a particular James Bond villain, anise no surprise when he shows up feeding a pig with a baby bottle. Throwing caraway, the Girls' on-screen manager is so hilariously bitter and uptight that one would expect him to bleed vinegar. Dill, despite some shortcomings (none of the humor was laugh-out-loud funny), it's clear the girls fenneled all they could (and they mint what they said) into their project, and while it mace seem strange to some, I found their enthusiasm suited me to a tea. Soy sue me, I liked it. Overall, though I'm destined not to curry favor from others for this review, I'd gingerly recommend this movie, if for no other reason than it's allspice, and kept a goofy smile on my face the whole time. Cassia later. ***+9/10 / *****
The Sweet Hereafter -- "The Good." An excellent, moving story surrounding the way a small town deals with the deaths of many of its children, and the way a lawyer from the outside deals with his drug-addicted daughter. A flawlessly filmed picture, it was impressive from beginning to end, and never lowered itself to taking cheap shots at lawyers or similar things it *could* have done which probably would have happened had it been a Hollywood film. Despite the fact that the characters cried on-screen a little too much, and at points the symbolism was a little overdone, I can't recommend this movie enough. Catch it in your local art-house theater while you can, as it may not be around for much longer. Features the most memorable scene of the year, hands down. **** + 1/2 / *****
Phantoms -- "The Bad." If you *must* see this movie, because of temporary insanity or another excuse on par with such, do yourself a favor and leave after 20 minutes. If you do decide to stay, watch for a memorable movie moment with Dr. Peter Flyte, the only man who can save the earth from the Ancient Evil, talking to an open manhole. Way to go, science! Watch for brain-eating monsters that learn what they eat but conveniently forget it when the script calls for it, people who just can't put two and two together, and the black guy getting killed first (this /is/ a horror movie, after all). The tense moments later in the film weren't, and why the hell does a creature that can morph itself into anything decide to be a cute-looking dog? I'll tell you -- it absorbed the knowledge that dogs in movies can never die. Unfortunately, it forgets this as well, and morphs into a big vicious looking thing that, of course, dies immediately. Blah. Look for this one on the "worst of 1998" list come December. * / *****.
Good Will Hunting -- "The Ugly." After seeing it on so many top-ten-of-the-year lists and hearing glowing recommendations from friends, I was expecting something truly great. Instead, I saw a tribute to pop psychology that must have been written by someone who had recently taken an intro to philosophy class. About a young man (Matt Damon) who is supposedly a super-duper-extra-genius -- who also happens to be able to beat the hell out of people as well as lay a mean brick -- everything quickly degenerates into one of the more trite movies I've seen in a long time. The movie was so implausible that my suspension of disbelief was suspended after the first few minutes. It disappoints me that people consider this script a masterwork. Now that I've bashed it sufficiently, I will say that there are several things to like about it. The gratuitous establishment-bashing is amusing throughout, and the love interest subplot was believable (and interesting). The actors did a good job attempting to convince me that what I was seeing wasn't obviously fake. Overall, it's a promising first scriptwriting effort. Hopefully, Damon and Affleck (not only do they act, they write, too!) will get over themselves and their need to tell everyone how deep they are, and deliver something either meaningful next time around. *** / *****
Great Expectations -- If nothing else, it's a nice alternative music video, filled with pretty sets and pretty people (for the most part). I don't remember all that much of the book (read it and disliked it in high school), but I remember enough to know that what I saw on-screen really didn't resemble the Real Thing that closely -- not that it turned out to be a bad thing, in this case. If you watch the movie just to watch it and pretend not to listen to what the actors are saying, you'll have a great time... not that they did a bad job, mind you, but especially after Pip (now Finn) leaves home, the dialog is really uninspired and boring. I think it should have been a silent film -- but that would require too much risk, something that the filmmakers didn't take by making a Dickens novel into a cheesy love story. See it as a matinee, if you're in the mood for looking at beautiful "scenery." *** / *****
Zero Effect -- If you ever wondered what Sherlock Holmes would be like if he wasn't invulnerable and lived in the late 20th century, look no further. Daryl Zero, the self-described "world's greatest private eye," fits the bill nicely, and even has a straight man at his side (who doesn't, however, chronicle the cases). Everything about this film is wonderful. It's got sex, violence, guns, mystery, humor, romance, drama, drugs, and a whole lot of Tab. Y'all should also read ACD's Scandal in Bohemia, which could definitely be considered source material. My one complaint is Zero's inconsistent paranoia... anyone that paranoid should be paranoid all the time. Nevertheless, _go see this movie_. Before it disappears from a theater near you. **** + 3/4 / *****
Replacement Killers -- A really disappointing first movie for Chow Yun-Fat. Fanboys of all shapes and sizes should ask why John Woo didn't direct this movie, and/or why they didn't bother writing a script for it. Between the gun battles (which were, admittedly, very cool) and Mira Sorvino stuggling to put on tight clothes, there were some talking scenes which seemed to be part of the movie, but were really just ways of -- inexplicably -- lowering the count of bodies and bullets. What's up with that? Sure, Chow Yun-Fat can act as well as sling his dual pistols, but anyone who decided to go see a movie called "The Replacement Killers" for the comedy, drama, or touching moments, really should have shut up so they could have just written a script that throws a whole bunch of gun battles together without trying to explain the angst behind it. The feel of the movie, especially when the guns weren't blazing, was that of a gangsta rap video... coincidence? Next time, give Chow a script, and a director who doesn't suck, and we'll see some real ass-kicking. *** / *****
Blues Brothers 2000 -- What happens when you write a followup to a classic 15 years later, without most of the talent involved in the original? An age-old question, which most know better than to attempt to answer. Dan Aykroyd and John Landis, however, don't. BB2K is the result, a poorly written, thoroughly boring movie whose only redeeming quality is the music, if you're into the blues thing; seems like they tried to fit every famous bluesman (and woman) into a cameo somewhere. There are at most two funny jokes in the whole running length. I will say, though, that it somehow managed to keep me awake even after not getting much sleep the night before. Maybe it was just the coffee talking, though. Save your money for something better, or catch Route 66 on video. As sequels go, this one falls into the Mortal Kombat: Annihilation category. ** / *****
The Wedding Singer -- I was all set to love this movie. It has Adam Sandler (I'm one of three people worldwide who think he's funny), Drew Barrymore of Poison Ivy fame, and a gratuitous amount of "New Wave" music. If that's not a combo for success, what is? Turns out, though, that the movie wasn't quite what I expected. Drew doesn't take off her clothes at all, and Adam only yells and breaks things a couple times, certainly a change of pace from Bulletproof or Happy Gilmore. It's actually a cutesie romantic comedy with one too many 80s in-jokes. If you can't guess what's going to happen after about five minutes, you've never seen a romantic comedy before in your life. Nevertheless, it's still cute and funny, if you can put up with Sandler looking like he's about to drool when he's supposed to be showing emotion. *** + 3/4 / *****
The Apostle -- An interesting film about a flawed human preacher, which is a relatively unique approach for a film to take, as they usually either demonize clergy or (much more rarely) make them untouchably perfect, especially in dramas. And, to be sure, the character created and acted by Duvall (title role + director + producer + everything else) is an interesting and complex one. Unfortunately, everything else falls far, far short of him. The plot and other characters (even the other major ones) exist solely to give the Apostle something to react to, and really isn't about anything at all. The other characters motivations are just not there, either, they just react in such a way as to give Sonny a scene Duvall wanted him to have, and it's blatantly obvious that he's doing so. That, and if I hear another "Praise Jesus" in the next six months I'll go nuts. Overkill. If you're into the religion thing, and/or want to see an excellent character study, you ought to catch this one -- I just wasn't in the mood for something like it when I saw it. ** + 3/4 / *****
The Borrowers -- With the exception of the SFX, which were inferior, this
movie is everything Mouse Hunt *should* have been. Clever, sometimes witty,
and (almost) always amusing at the very least, it's a solid family film, the
best one since Fairy Tale last year. Despite a couple one-liners that just
didn't belong, it's still got everything a kids' movie should have, and will
hold the adult audience's attention, if nothing else. John Goodman steals
the show as the atrocious Ocious
Deep Rising -- To those who've seen it and hated it -- next time, when you
see an ad for a movie like this, don't expect a thriller, a horror movie, or
something along those lines. Expect, however, a hilariously funny action
comedy which had me crying at a couple places. Hail great Cthulhu!
Wonderful because you know exactly who's going to die, when, and who's going
to live from about 5 minutes into the movie... every single horror movie
stereotype is played to a T here. Bonus points for people stepping on
chewy-looking human skulls in a film released by Disney, and double bonus
points for a clever ending. Gotta complain about ,the techie's voice, which
got annoying after a while. Also, the movie (inexplicably) turned serious
every so often, and really didn't click so well when it did. Best to stick
to gratuitous guns, breast shots, one liners, and gore. Ooh, baby. **** /
*****
Dark City -- Scenario believability and the laws of physics can't stop this
movie from being a really good sci-fi flick. Most notably, I forgot the
special effects were special effects while watching the movie (didn't think
how good they were until afterwards), which is something I can't say for
very many movies in recent memory. As far as the movie itself, the idea was
an excellent one, but the follow-through was a little iffy; the bad guys
were just not as fearsome adversaries as they should have been, and the way
the plot unfolded wasn't a particularly interesting one -- there wasn't that
much suspense, ever, and there should have been. While Rufus Sewell (as the
lead) was cast perfectly, Keifer Sutherland as the slightly nuts doctor was
_extremely_ irritating, unable to say more than two words without pausing in
Igor-like fashion. The final scene had its ups and downs, but was, if
nothing else, visually impressive. Worth the admission, for sure. *** +
9/10 / *****
Krippendorf's Tribe -- From a rather tiresome turn in Mr. Holland's Opus,
which is one of those school movies that's so forgettable, Richard Dreyfuss
goes to a rather tiresome turn in Krippendorf's Tribe as a rather tiresome,
totally unethical anthropologist who does totally unethical things in order
to (totally unethically) get a whole bunch of money. At first, an
idol-worshipping young pretty female professor just wants to work with him,
but fairly soon is (totally unethically) putting out for some cash, and
fame, and stuff. Despite the stupid premise, and the stupid characters, and
the general all-round stupidity of the movie, it would be totally unethical
of me to say nothing good about it, since I did chuckle a few times, though
not very often, and wondered the whole time who this movie was aimed at... I
came to the conclusion that the target audience is adults who are stupid
and/or unethical. Skip this one, unless you really *need* to see Dreyfuss
in war paint. ** + 1/2 / *****
Palmetto -- Yet another stupid movie about stupid people. However, Palmetto
at least gives Elizabeth Shue the chance to burn off the bad karma she
earned for The Saint and play a character so impressively ridiculous that
you can't help but feel sorry for her. (The actress, not the character)
Woody Harrelson plays the only role he seems to know how to play, except not
quite so psychotic this time, and delivers the best point of the movie (I'd
say the only good point, but that'd be an exaggeration) when he tries to
dispose of the typewriter he used to write a ransom letter by tossing it off
a bridge... that's not the funny part, but I'm not going to spoil it for you
in case you go against your sanity and my good advice and see this movie
anyway. All the plot "twists" of this movie are pretty well telegraphed
(though not as bad as in Twilight), and it makes you wonder how a single
person could be quite as clueless as Woody's character. If anything is
worth the price of admission, it's the way-too-unintentionally-funny
conclusion, involving a vat of acid and Liz dressed in a wig, and cops who
are stupid, and a guy who ought to be a Batman villain. ** + 1/2 / *****.
U.S. Marshals -- In The Fugitive, we were all rooting for Harrison Ford
because we knew he didn't do it, because he was Harrison Ford, and because
he just *exuded* innocent angst hero in a unlikely situation charisma that
Harrison Ford can do, and he was just a doctor, not a super-hardass
government operative. In the background (of the Fugitive), there was a
dedicated and good U.S. Marshal with a good but unintrusive backup team to
show us his human side. All in all, a good idea, even if it was based on a
TV series. Then you have 1998's US Marshals, which takes all the bad ideas
that watching the Fugitive could produce (hey! let's have a big wreck that
he gets away from. And let's have him be a super-hardass. And let's put a
bunch of guns and stuff and wacky stunts all over, and not have to worry
about anything else!), and none of the good rooting-for-the-underdog
concepts that made the first installment interesting. Result? You have
Tommy Lee Jones attempting to carry a bad action movie, in which you already
know who the bad guys and who the good guys are from the beginning, despite
how well-concealed the braindead scriptwriter may have thought they were.
Nevertheless, you got some great action sequences going on here, plus Tommy
Lee Jones, who just /is/ cool. Wait for video, or see it matinee if you
must. *** / *****
Twilight -- A leisurely "mystery" movie that really isn't much of a mystery,
as just when things are getting puzzling they abruptly drop all the hints
you need, all at once. Where's the fun in that? Many have criticized this
movie for being too long and too slow, I think it was just the opposite. In
addition, Paul Newman's dark hero just isn't that dark, and you sort of feel
that the guy could use some Depends about halfway through. And what is it
with the old guy / young woman romantic pairings these days? Between this
and Krippendorf's Tribe, you'd think Hollywood was developing a pedophilia
streak. A very disappointing movie that could have been so much better...
or maybe you just have to be old to appreciate this sort of thing. *** /
*****
The Man in the Iron Mask -- Imagine a good, ol' fashioned swashbuckling
movie, full of sword fights, damsels in distress, narrow escapes and
uncommon valor. Got it? Well, what you're imagining sure as hell isn't the
latest version of Man in the Iron Mask, an adventure movie without a whole
lot of adventure. Saddled with inane lines, a tiresome first half, and
Leonardo diCaprio (who has manicured fingernails and perfect skin after
being in a prison behind an iron mask for six years), it never really clicks
and doesn't deliver even a rousing good time as Disney's Three Musketeers
remake did. Mention should go to Gabriel Byrne, who is excellent despite
being forced to say ridiculous things, and Jeremy Irons, who is creepy
enough to work. On the other end of the spectrum, John Malkovich is
completely miscast, Leo is simply awful, and his love interest is even worse
(Judith Godreche). In fairness, it's necessary to say that the second half
of the movie showed promise -- now, if only they had cut the first half, and
expanded on it, this might have been an excellent movie. As it is, rent
_The Fifth Musketeer_. ** + 3/4 / *****
The Big Lebowski -- It's a movie about bowling and personal values. I
think. Either that, or it's about drugs and ransom plots and a wandering
cowboy. Who knows. Whatever it's about, it's really funny. Any time you
throw philandering wives, rich old guys in wheelchairs, strange artistes,
nihilists, survivalists, and weird dream sequences together, you're bound to
come up with something interesting. However, describing /why/ this movie is
good, or what it's about, even, is something a little too challenging to do
in one paragraph or less, so I'm not going to bother. Watch a meandering
film full of incompetent "good guys" and even more incompetent thugs. Sit
and smile. The Coen brothers must have been on something when they wrote
this, though its surreality reminds me of parts of Barton Fink, another
great movie. **** / *****
Wild Things -- Wild Things is everything a B-movie should be... plus, as an
added bonus, it has actors you've probably heard of, or at least have seen
somewhere before. Exquisite sleaze, featuring everything from gator
wrasslin' to a three-way sex scene with Denise Richards (from Starship
Troopers), Matt Dillon, and Neve Campbell. Oh, and of course murder,
voyeurism, and wet t-shirts. With a catch-line like "they can turn you on
or they can turn on you," it was clear (to me) from the outset that this was
one "thriller" that didn't take itself seriously. It follows the
erotic-thriller footsteps of Basic Instinct and Sliver -- which were both
awful -- and makes fun of the genre so well (yet without straying too far
from its requisite elements) that it deserves watching. It even adds plot
twist after comical plot twist towards the end, cementing its induction into
the B-movie hall of fame. Watch for Bill Murray as the less-than-ethical
lawyer. **** / *****
Primary Colors -- The ending credits claimed that Primary Colors' events and
characters were purely fictional, and weren't based on anything in reality.
Right. This is why the writer attempted to remain anonymous, and why John
Travolta put on a few extra pounds and adopted a strangely familiar Arkansas
accent for the movie. Joe Klein and the filmmakers of Primary Colors didn't
fool anyone -- or, did they? Considering the number of scandals that Clinton
(err, Stanton. Whatever) has actually been in (whether proven to be true or
not), Primary Colors went awfully easy on him. Rumors of a deal between the
real Clinton and Travolta regarding Scientologists in Germany is no doubt
true, and for whatever reason Hillary Clinton was painted as a near-saint.
Nevertheless, the movie was *extremely* funny, yet included enough drama and
tension to make it interesting as something deeper, as well. Billy Bob
Thornton's James Carville is the acting highlight (Travolta's Clinton being
a close second); as far as scenes go, watch for the mamathon (no, I didn't
misspell that). If you're at all interested in politics, you should
definitely not miss this movie. If you aren't, you'll probably still enjoy
it. *** + 9/10 / *****
Grease -- Grease is still the word, baby. If you don't catch the re-release
of Grease just to be able to see John Travolta when he's actually thin, the
unforgettable Stockard Channing (of "Dandy, the All-American Girl" and "The
Fish That Saved Pittsburgh" fame), and -- dare I say it -- GREASED
LIGHTNIN'! (Oh, and for you that were wondering -- yes, even Lorenzo Lamas
(Host of 1986's TV smash "Dancin' to the Hits") is in it as a dumb jock.)
Half the fun of the movie is the cheezy, innocent-yet-dirty dialogue, half
is the music, and the other half is seeing where all the actors ended up
after 20 years. (150%, you say? That's cause it's a *damn* fun movie).
Don't you dare miss your chance to (re-)experience Grease on the big screen.
**** + 1/2 / *****
Mr. Nice Guy -- Some people -- the people that really don't count -- would
say that if you've seen one Jackie Chan movie, you've seen them all. What
these people don't realize is that each movie is drastically different. I
mean, he always plays a new character. (Wait.. no, he always plays Jackie.)
The people he fights are always different and unique, with well thought-out
personalities. (Hmm... guess not.) Some of his movies don't sound badly
dubbed. (Scratch that.) The plot is always clever, full of twists and
turns. (Forget I even mentioned it!) Well, whatever the reason, they /are/
different. Yeah. Just like the kid in the Apple Jacks commercial, "Because
I said so." Either you like Jackie Chan movies, or you're a pathetic loser
with no social skills and poor taste. This one is better than some, but
nowhere near as good as an uncut version of Operation Condor or Rumble in
the Bronx. Still, recommended for fans looking for a lightweight good time.
*** + 1/2 / *****
Newton Boys -- Perhaps the first bank-robber movie that could be described
as cute and charming, but there you have it. Based on the true story of the
Newton Boys, a gang of Tejas robbers who robbed a bunch of banks, wasted
their money on an oil well, and never killed anyone. With leads played by
four cute guys, this movie will at least appeal on /that/ sort of level to
certain audiences (stars Matthew McConaughey, Skeet Ulrich, Ethan Hawke, and
Vincent D'Onofrio, mostly first-tier prettyboys, just under DiCaprio at the
moment). The movie is almost a documentary, cruising along at a leisurely
pace (what you'd expect from Linklater, director of Slacker and Dazed and
Confused) which really does get the mood right. Unfortunately, it's not
especially exciting, fun, quirky, or really anything else that makes a good
_movie_. While a step up from most of the dry fare you'd find on TLC, if
you go expecting to be on the edge of your seat even once, you'll be
disappointed. Overall, it's a nice relaxing way to spend two hours, but you
should probably wait for video. *** / *****
Meet the Deedles -- Amazingly, 1998 has already managed to produce a movie
worse than Mouse Hunt. That's saying something. There is *absolutely
nothing* redeeming about this movie. The acting is terrible (even Dennis
Hopper, making a poor career move), the plot is worse, and the dialog is
less than pathetic. The cast isn't even very nice to look at. Even worse,
the movie isn't laughably bad enough to be amusing -- it's just *bad*. As
Mom always used to tell me to always say something positive, at least it was
short. 1/4 / *****
Lost in Space -- The first five minutes give us a cool-ass space battle, and
the promise of more to come when we're introduced to a big terrorist
organization called the Global Sedition. Alas, there are no more space
battles in the entire movie, and that was its first mistake. The rest of
its mistakes stem from a stupid plot, stupid schemes to hit every single
target audience imaginable, stupid characters (even stupider than in the TV
show!), and more continuity problems than you can shake a stick at. In
fact, it's time for the
Now that I think about it, I could add a lot more than ten... unfortunately,
this movie lacks the humor that Starship Troopers provided in its stupid
plot devices. Recommendation? Skip this awful (yet effects-laden) movie,
and wait for the video game. All the cool violence and graphics with none
of the painful plot. If you must go see cool effects by the dozen, try not
to listen to the dialogue, and go to a matinee. ** + 1/2 / *****
Mercury Rising -- "My wife says my people skills are like my cooking skills
- fast
and tasteless." Thus speaks one of the Baldwins, who with a raspy whisper
is the bad guy (you can tell he's bad because he has a raspy whisper and he
works for the gummint) in Mercury Rising, Bruce Willis's latest awful action
movie. To be fair, awful is too strong a word. Really, almost any
adjective describing this movie is too strong; it's *that* average. The
tech details are botched, as you'd expect (we're supposed to believe that a
9 year old could read RSA-encoded messages straight off the page? Just
because there's a little computer-decoding sound when he looks at it?) but
MR avoids them as much as possible, to its credit. The action sequences are
hit and miss, never that interesting, but never terribly boring either. The
script is a rehash of any number of other techno-thrillers, all of which
were done better. Catch this movie on video if you're bored, otherwise skip
it. ** + 3/4 / *****
Player's Club -- Everything Strip"worst of '96"tease tried to be but bombed
horribly at, the Player's Club managed to hit with at least marginal
success. Starting with a premise I bought a lot more easily than the
head-shaker in ST, it neither glorified nor reviled the industry it
portrayed, and instead took a middle of the road approach; "play the money,
don't let the money play you." (an almost-quote from the movie, even).
However, some of the themes just don't click, mostly because they're overly
simplified (you can clearly see the division of "good guys" and "bad guys,"
which is always a mistake in a movie like this). Plus there's the usual
helping of whitey-bashing, especially one scene that seemed there for
specifically that purpose. Props for a great catfight near the end, but
skip this one if you don't like this sort of movie. *** + 1/4 / *****
Species 2 -- "Someone" said that Species (the original) was "smart science
fiction." I don't know where "someone" gets his crack, but it must be some
good shit. However, I don't think that *anyone* will attempt to call
Species II "smart science fiction," mostly because it's less smart than
the original -- and that's quite the accomplishment. I suppose there are
Species fans who liked it because of the cool-lookin' alien, and because
of the camp value involved... I didn't. With Species II, the effects are
just a step up from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, and the camp value is
missing, replaced by blatantly-designed-to-gross-out mucous, sex
(consensual and non), and general "yuck." The plus side is that it shows
that the MPAA can be bribed to keep the rating of something like this at
PG-13. The minus side is that enough teenagers might see this to warrant
another sequel. While Species 2 is better than the original, it is still
by no stretch of the imagination a good film. Graphic scenes and stupid
one-liners (but not as stupid as the one-liners in Lost in Space) permeate
the tepid script. Every so often, though, there's a hint of suspense;
something this movie could have had more of if handled by someone
competent. ** + 1/4 / *****
Paulie -- "Paulie" is touted as the "best animal movie since Babe." Gee,
what a shocker. Considering its competition is Air Bud (awful) and Mouse
Hunt (awful), this is like saying "Tarzan and the Lost City is the best
movie starring Jane March and a monkey EVER." Not quite that bad, I
guess. In any case, Paulie is, indeed, the best animal movie since Babe,
and it's actually pretty good (especially in this dark season of
terrifyingly stupid family movies), too, if you can accept the fact that
no one seems to be taken aback for more than two minutes when they run
into a parrot who can do more than just mimic human speech. There are a
couple touching bits (and a couple stupid bits which tried to be
touching), a couple funny bits (and a couple stupid bits that tried to be
funny), and even some cleverly disguised political bits... you could do
worse in spending an afternoon seeing Paulie (by, for example, spending an
afternoon seeing one of: Tarzan and the Lost City, The Big Hit, Species 2,
Mercury Rising, ...). Nice how the immigrant character is not painted as
stupid just because he has an accent. That's a rarity in Hollywood films.
*** / *****
Suicide Kings -- Christopher Walken gives a commanding performance, made
more impressive by the fact that he's tied to a chair for most of the
movie. While this /was/ a cute device, having his captors conveniently
move him around to suit the plot was a stretch. What of the plot, you
ask? Several young kids, one of whom has had a sister kidnapped, decide
it'd be fun to tie up the local ex-mob-boss and make him find out who
kidnapped her. The audience is supposed to believe, at first, that this
is a good and clever plan (several flashbacks show them working out how
they're going to actually capture the guy). However, in my humble
opinion, all of the kidnappers completely missed the clue boat as it was
passing by, and do so continuously throughout the film. Denis Leary is in
this film solely to provide Tarantino-style dialog and beat things up.
Overlooking all of this, though, the acting is mostly good, and the story
has its tense moments, and as long as Walken is around, it's interesting
enough. The ending wasn't disappointing, either, which is fortunate. If
this review seems mostly dry, it's because the movie was the same way;
nothing stood out as especially bad or especially good. *** / *****
The Big One -- Michael Moore, author of Downsize This! (as you'll know if
you see this film) and the guy who brought us "Roger and Me", says in an
interview that the United States of America should be renamed "The Big
One," and you'd assume that's where the title comes from. Personally, I
think it's from his ego. Moore is "famous" for being the little guy
sticking it to the big guy, the thorn in the side of corporate America,
you know the drill. "Roger and Me" was depressing yet still showed that
people will still at least attempt to triumph over injustice forced upon
them by faceless evils, and sometimes even gain a small measure of
success. "TV Nation" (Moore's very short-lived TV series) concentrated on
making fun of and harassing people that deserved it, and was extremely
funny while doing so. "The Big One" chronicles his book tour, and just
doesn't click as well as his previous stuff. With one exception, the good
guys always lose in this film. Moore occasionally even selects the wrong
targets; while he should be lambasting Leaf, he's playing a prank on a
poor "media escort" and hanging out with Cheap Trick. At one point when
questioned about going with a major publisher for his book instead of an
indie company, he makes a quip about being a #1 bestseller, and sort of
glosses over the whole thing. While I'm not going to accuse Moore of
being a sellout, this movie sure feels like it. Of course, since it's
Moore, it's full of some great stuff. Recommended for people who've never
seen Roger and Me or TV Nation, as sort of a "Michael Moore Lite," but
don't miss the real thing. *** + 1/4 / *****
Tarzan and the Lost City -- After seeing the preview, I was sort of enthused
about seeing Tarzan. It didn't look much like Tarzan at all -- it looked
more like a (cheap) copy of Indiana Jones. While I wasn't expecting
something even close to Raiders of the Lost Ark, Tarzan managed to be
disappointing anyway. First of all, no one could act, from the leads
(Casper "Johnny 'Square Jaw' Rico" van Dien and Jane "I take my clothes off
for $1.50" March) to the minor characters (yes, even the monkey). The movie
starts off after Tarzan (with some fancy British name now, pfaugh) is in
England, yet still hasn't managed to get rid of his jungle accent
(strikingly similar to an American one). He's called by a high priest guy
who can transform into a swarm of bees, bring back the dead, and summon
warriors from knucklebones... for help in dealing with a treasure hunter or
two. Best line: "It is good to look upon you again, Tarzan." Worst line:
everything else. Still, it managed not to annoy me too much, which is more
than a lot of movies could say. * + 3/4 / *****
The Big Hit -- Take three excellent action sequences. Throw in a host of
pop-culture references which are supposed to be funny, some wacky
hitmen-with-hearts that are supposed to be funny, traitorous friends who are
supposed to be funny, Jewish future inlaws who are supposed to be funny, and
running gags which are supposed to be funny, and you'd have an action movie
that is supposed to be funny. Unfortunately, "supposed to be" doesn't match
"is". Aside from a scant few humorous scenes, the Big Hit is a long string
of Big Misses, each twist ("A hit... with a twist") less entertaining than
the last. Aimed squarely at the male 18-25 crowd, I managed to not fall for
this piece of target-audience garbage, but apparently lots of people did.
Props to the Troma references near the end of the movie, even if I was the
only person in the entire audience who caught them. ** / *****
Nightwatch -- This movie was far better than it deserved to be, featuring a
plot based around the idea that HEY! the morgue is a scary place. When it's
late at night. And there's no one else around. And you have to walk
through it and look at all the bodies. And there's a killer on the loose.
And the door doesn't work the way it should. After seeing the movie, I'm
convinced that yes, the morgue /is/ a scary place, even if movies like
'Kissed' (which, excepting the end, was better than Nightwatch) try to
convince us otherwise. The film's biggest weakness is the "suspense" of
whodunnit, which is not only completely obvious from the beginning, but also
the film's biggest source of plot holes (noticeable during, not just after,
the movie). Nevertheless, for anyone who has any tinglings of fear of being
alone, or fear of death, several scenes will have you on the edge of your
seat. If you do your best not to guess the villain's identity, even better.
*** / *****
Spanish Prisoner -- It's a David Mamet film -- that should say it all.
Well, maybe not, but it sure should say something. For those unfamiliar
with Mamet's style, the dialogue tends to be strange, but in such a way that
it blends seamlessly into the non-strange parts, and sounds like a bunch of
kick-dogs yapping at each other. I make this sound really horrible,
probably, but it actually works once you get used to it. In this case, he's
running a brilliant inventor patsy through an "elaborate" con game (which
isn't /too/ elaborate, but is foolproof enough that Our Hero, who is
remarkably clueless, will stumble through it and not figure out a way out).
It reminded me a lot of _The Game_, in certain ways -- an all-powerful
agency is out to get him, etc. Unlike The Game, however, the Spanish
Prisoner's plot holes are far fewer and considerably less irritating, and
the sharp don't-stop-to-breathe dialog fits the genre exceedingly well.
However, aside from Steve Martin(!) who is excellent as the smooth-talkin'
con man, the acting could definitely be better (Mamet casts his wife in the
lead female role. Always a mistake...) and the fact that this isn't a
big-budget Hollywood thriller is evident in a few spots. Overall, though,
it's a much better take on the mysterious-conspiracy genre than most
decidedly mediocre entrants. *** + 3/4 / *****
There's Something About Mary -- I'd just like to say to start this review
off that I really like working with retards. Mary is a hit-and-miss mostly
physical comedy which lasts just a little too long for its own good. Some
running jokes *really* work well, and while you may feel guilty about
laughing at them later, you'll still laugh -- the opening scene is a prime
example of this. Besides the title character and Ben Stiller's leading man,
played mostly straight, the rest of the characters range from disquietingly
odd to outright ludicrous. Not to say that in a bad way, mind you, even
Chris Elliot's sarcastic humor fits in perfectly (but what was with those
boils? Aiming for the 14 and under ewww, gross crowd?). Besides the
excessively funny moments (most of which involve something bad happening to
Ben Stiller), the rest seems to only exist to tie these scenes together; the
plot is pretty straightforward, and when it's being explained the movie
really begins to stretch. Lastly, if you don't have a thing for
*excessively* lowbrow humor, or you're easily offended, don't even bother
watching this, it'll just put you in a bad mood. *** + 1/2 / *****
Saving Private Ryan -- The (90s) war movie to end all (90s) war movies.
Sure, it's not saying a lot, since there have been maybe two straight-up war
movies made in the last decade, but in this case, it doesn't have to. With
a bloody and disquieting opening sequence with camerawork that guarantees a
being-there feel to the whole thing, Saving Private Ryan doesn't much let up
at any time after that, though in different ways (a few segments of comic
relief are added so as not to reduce the weaker members of the audience to
quivering wrecks, I think). A solid performance leads a solid ensemble
cast, even if they all /do/ have the personalities of toy soldiers
(excepting the interpreter). I can only fault the movie for two things; one
is its insistence not to answer the question it poses (are eight lives worth
saving one?) -- done on purpose, to be sure, but I still don't approve. The
second is the mixed messages it sends. Showing mercy in war apparently a
bad thing. War is bad, but war is good. Once again, it's probably the
point -- but it's still a cheap way out of actually making a statement.
Nevertheless, despite Spielberg's insistence on making the audience think so
he doesn't have to, this is a must-see movie. Leave the kids at home. ****
+ 1/4 / *****
Pi -- Any review one would read of this film would inevitably not convey
what, exactly, it is like to watch it, for better or for worse. Listing the
characters will be a start: There's the young, slowly-going-crazy math
genius. His aging go-playing mentor. An insistent corporate shill desiring
his knowledge. A Jewish Qabbalist looking for the same. An ever-cheerful
neighbor or two. Now, take the oddest way of working all these characters
together, and you may have an idea of what Pi is like. It's a science
fiction film, sure, but it's not like anything Hollywood has released in the
last fifty years. If it sounds like I haven't actually said anything so
far, you'd be right. I don't want to, even if I could. Just see it -- it's
sure to be at or near the top of my best-of-1998 list. ***** / *****
BASEketball -- I don't know about the rest of the audience, but I had this
good-natured feeling the whole time I was watching BASEketball, despite the
rather crude (sometimes cruel) humor. Maybe it's because the two leads
(South Park's creators) look like such geeks. Maybe I've just grown
accustomed to Hollywood foulness. Or maybe it's because an innocent
plotline with a well-intentioned message hides the fact that they're making
fun of a whole lot of people. Even the game the protagonists invent (see
the title of the movie) is cute. Several times in the movie I was trying to
think why the scene in question was included, and every time it boiled down
to Matt & Trey having fun making a movie (stressing several times that one
of them is in a hot tub with a playmate of the month, for example). Taken
as two guys making a movie and having a good time doing it, BASEketball is
often very funny, and when not funny, it's at least charming, in a
sub-juvenile sort of way. *** + 3/4 / *****
The Negotiator -- Negotiator is a rather enjoyable, but forgettable, action
movie. Our main character is not a SWAT team member, or a martial arts
expert, rather a mere negotiator who also happens to be an expert marksman.
The best scenes come as Kevin Spacey's outsider interacts with Samuel
Jackson in the title role -- mostly because Spacey is absolutely excellent
as usual. Second to these are the tense standoffs between a huge force of
police and Jackson, whether verbal or physical. Despite a novel way to show
an audience a mystery be solved before its eyes, The Negotiator doesn't cash
in on its ingenuity; instead, the "mystery" is rather obvious, with only the
smallest details being at all difficult to guess from the outset.
Nevertheless, it's couched in some pretty intense scenes, which make this
movie a worthwhile summer action movie, if you feel like going to a summer
action movie. It certainly beats Snake Eyes. *** + 1/3 / *****
Smoke Signals -- Except for the fact that it's the first movie acted,
directed, and staffed entirely by Native Americans, Smoke Signals just
doesn't stand out in any way. This isn't to say it was at all bad -- just
the opposite. It was a very enjoyable buddy/road trip movie.
Unfortunately, almost any cinema-goer has seen a million of those. Sure,
there are original elements, which range from heartwarming to shocking to
amusing to irritating, and (who'd have guessed?) these stem from the culture
that created it. However, as movies go, there was just something missing,
and I'm not going to be the one to say what. Maybe it was the first time
actors, some of whom were excellent, others of whom seemed to be
sleepwalking through the roles. Maybe it was the pacing of the movie, which
seemed subtly off. Whatever the reason, none of the emotional scenes held
much emotion for me, as if the entire experience was muted somehow. Maybe
next time the crew will get all the bugs ironed out and come up with
something exceptional, but until then, you'd do better to wait for the
video. *** + 1/2 / *****
Snake Eyes -- After destroying Mission: Impossible, Brian DePalma and
company seem hell-bent on churning out more junk after coming up with Snake
Eyes, an irritatingly simple thriller that has pretensions of being
thoughtful. Illogic and overlooked details reign in this sloppy (yet
fast-paced) flick in which disorienting flash-sidewayses attempt to confuse
you into thinking something complicated is going on. Featuring Nick Cage as
Castor Troy (or whatever his name is here), the acting is all off and the
stereotypes that result make the transparent plot twice so. As in most
poorly written mysteries, the vast conspiracy must be dumbed down
significantly to allow the good guy to catch it. It's even worse, here,
because the good guy has proven himself to be astoundingly stupid himself...
you're a cop on the take with a wife and a mistress -- do you put yourself
on TV at a boxing match and have grand illusions of someday being mayor of
the city? Didn't think so. Skip it, unless you want to see the well-filmed
opening shot some people may be talking about, which, admittedly, is
well-filmed. ** / *****
Ever After: A Cinderella Story -- There are some movies that are truly
difficult not to like, and this is one of them. Despite being infected
with nineties sensibilities that are occasionally out of place and
sometimes anachronistic, this latest retelling of the Cinderella fable is
as charming as the more famous version's male lead's name. Do your best
to swallow your knowledge of history during certain scenes designed to
make Drew "Poison Ivy" Barrymore seem smarter than she is, and enjoy a
version of the famous story that neither feels the need to over-darken
itself to appeal to the Grimm contingent, nor the need to sweeten the
story over with a honey glaze (except for the saccharine ending, which was
just a little much). Performances are surprisingly excellent from people
you wouldn't think would do a good job (Drew and Dougray, for example.
What kind of a name is Dougray? Sounds like he should be swimming with
eels), and typically excellent from people you expect it from (Angelica
and her wicked daughter are nasssty). You are hereby dared to attempt to
watch Ever After without at least smiling once. **** / *****
The Avengers -- WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING??!??!?? 1/2 / *****
Blade -- Yet another comic book adaptation. You'd have thought that
people who fund movies would have learned their lessons by now, seeing how
with the exceptions of Batman and Superman, superhero movies have been
almost exclusively so super-awful merely watching one can make a grown man
cry. I can't imagine what the writers felt knowing that their product
would affect millions of people this way (that is, on the off chance that
more than a hundred saw, for example, Captain America). In any case,
Blade falls into the former category, if in your comic books you like a
lot of gratuitous blood violence, and
jumping-around-sword-fighting-big-guns action. I know I sure do. I liked
Blade a great deal, despite the fact that it reminded me of a bad online
game. Blood for the Blood God! *** + 3/4 / ***** (** / ***** if you're
testosterone-impaired.)
Return to Paradise -- .. was one of those movies that seemed good when I
was watching it, but the more I think about it, the less appealing it
gets. In case you aren't hep to the movie-plot scene, RtP forces the
following question down your throat for 30 minutes: If you co-comitted a
crime with two friends, and one friend will be executed if you don't go to
a crappy third-world prison for six years (three if your other friend goes
back, too), would you go? Sure, it's a thought-provoking question, but did
we really need to pad it with 90 minutes of stupid, transparent subplots
that only cheapen the experience (and/or offer a Hollywood way out of
answering its own question)? No. We didn't. RtP can't even be credited
with originality, as it's literally a remake of a 1989 French film which I
haven't seen but can nevertheless assume is superior. Thumbs especially
far down to Jada Pinkett's reporter subplot, which told us the media was
bad. Thanks. Saved from the doghouse by excellent acting by everyone, and
a reasonably gritty final 3rd (except for the tail end, which is less than
stellar). I won't even get into the logic holes, 'cause they don't really
detract from the film, except to make it even less realistic than it
already is. Whatever. ** + 1/2 / *****
Dead Man on Campus -- Kevorkian has forced physician assisted suicide into
the minds of the mainstream, now MTV attempts to do the same for
roommate-assisted suicide. Did you laugh at that? No? Wasn't funny? It's
still funnier than anything you're likely to see in this movie, so there.
With the exception of the suitably insane insane guy, there is absolutely
nothing of interested in this tiresome buddy movie, except for Willow from
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the TV show), who gets her hair burned off.
Cool. For such a dark subject, you'd think the jokes would be raunchy or
risky (especially after everyone's acceptance for jokes in poor taste has
been lowered significantly by There's Something About Mary...), but they
aren't. They're just the usual slew of failing midterm jokes,
first-time-at-sex jokes, stoner jokes, and
falsely-suspecting-someone-of-being-gay jokes, and the few that you
haven't seen before still manage to be boring. Advice for MTV: stick to
videos and rockumentaries about Courtney Love. Anything else is a Hole
lot more than they can handle. ** / *****
Your Friends and Neighbors -- Neil LaBute's second film, this one about
horrible people who tend to form horrible interpersonal relationships with
each other. (This is remarkably different from his first film, in which
horrible people do horrible things to each other, when they aren't being
suckered.) The main six characters' names are never even mentioned in the
course of the movie. Unlike In the Company of Men, part of the point of
this one is to identify traits the viewer sees in him/herself, as well as
his/her friends and neighbors. The dark humor is still there, and still
dark, but I found this release to be much more gimmicky than ITCOM.
Nevertheless, this is a great one to catch if you feel like witnessing
humanity at its bleakest -- well, second bleakest, if you count LaBute's
(much better) debut. **** / *****
Dance With Me -- Being a sucker for movies with dancing in them, I'm
probably not the person to listen to whenever another one rolls around.
From Just-Gotta-Dance classics like Flashdance or Footloose to the quirky
foreign films Shall We Dance? and Strictly Ballroom, I love 'em all. So,
when I say that I strongly recommend Dance With Me as a heartwarming entry
into a genre that simply can do no wrong, realize where I'm coming from.
Also realize, though, that while the scenes involving dancing are involving
and well-choreographed, the emotional bits and pieces that come in between
them are just not as strong, especially a father/son subplot that is
transparent at the very best. Nevertheless, there's Chayanne, who's cute,
Vanessa Williams, who looks actually sorta scary, and the requisite villain
to boo for in this triumph-of-heart-over-the-machine story of boy meets
(scary looking) girl. Note to Vanessa: Don't dye your hair. For me, **** /
*****, for people who only like Flashdance for the kickin' 80s music, *** /
*****.
Modulations -- Not a movie, per se, Modulations is actually a documentary on
Electronica and all of its strangely-named offshoots, including a couple
genres I hope never to hear from again. Despite the fact that I hate the
word Electronica, because it was invented after the fact to attempt to
classify all techno and kinda-similar-to-techno music in the same genre by
evil studio executives who are only out to profit so they can build huge
factories for overpriced Cds where an orphanage for children used to stand,
Modulations does a good job surveying most of it, from the old-school heroes
of synthesization to kids who barely look 18 abusing their turntables
creating Scratchcore, or whatever they will eventually decide to call it.
Most of the time I spent watching the movie I was thinking, 'Oh, so *that's*
what he looks like.' to the host of techno artists portrayed. The rest of
the time was spent listening to the music itself or wishing they'd get rid
of the annoying pretentious people in favor of the real freaks, who are what
make Techno so amusing. Once again, a split rating: *** + 1/2 / ***** for
fans of the genre, ** / ***** if this would be your first glimpse into the
world of Electronica. Too bad they couldn't make it a little more exciting.
Knock Off -- Van Damme-age has never been more amusing. Throw in HK-style
fight scenes with sliding and ludicrous stunts and lots of guns, weird
camera angles that don't make any sense, weird camera tricks that don't make
any sense, and a plot that could have been from a mystery novel if they had
spent more than two minutes on it and the sheer numbers of goons involved
wasn't quite so goofy, and you've got a substandard HK martial arts film.
Add the acting talent of Van Damme, and you have a _very_ substandard HK
martial arts film. Fortunately, the sheer hyperkinesis of the action scenes
is generally enough to keep it going, and the CIA agent (not the annoying
one) is tres cool. Overall, not a bad action flick. Next time, more
explosions and gratuitous violence, okay? *** / *****
Slums of Beverly Hills -- Bev Hills definitely gives me some mixed feelings.
On the one hand, it's extremely well-acted, and the parts of the movie that
involve characters acting goofy or discovering themselves shine. However,
when attempting to advance what passes for a plot, the movie rapidly becomes
irritating and pointless. Rather than trying to tell the story of a family
in the title role, the script should have merely concentrated on showing
that family living -- they're interesting enough without tossing in strange
cousins and other plot elements that scream of being extraneous. Likewise,
it's similarly ambiguous on whether it wants to be a drama or a comedy, and
as a result doesn't quite click in either role. In particular, a sequence
involving a certain type of surgery is executed especially poorly, with no
humor and rolling-of-the-eyes drama, at best. Nevertheless, it's a pleasant
enough way to pass an hour or two, if you have the time, and chances are you
won't be that disappointed. ** + 3/4 / *****
Rounders -- It's about time someone made another movie about poker. Who am
I to complain, even if Matt Damon, current Hollywood goldenboy, stars in it?
I'll go over the bad points first, because I feel like it. John Malkovich,
who plays someone with the last name 'KGB', has the most ludicrous,
unbelievable Rocky-and-Bullwinkle Russian accent I've heard since bad 80s
action films about commies. Matt Damon, expressive to his core, just
doesn't have a poker face, even if he can talk the talk. His friend,
'Worm', seems to be as different from him as possible, how'd they get to be
friends in the first place? Gretchen Mol's gratuitous girlfriend character
is whiny and annoying, and shouldn't have been included in the story in the
first place. Now that I'm done listing it's flaws, I will say that Rounders
is a very, very good movie, though just shy of 'great.' Matt Damon is
believable when he's talking about playing cards, or when you look at the
other guy instead of him when he is. The message the movie imparts on the
viewer, while perhaps not the traditionally morally acceptable one, is one
I've always agreed with. It also gives a nice insight into the differences
between _real_ gamblers and people who go to Vegas some weekend to play a
few games. For any poker fan, the movie is absolutely excellent during the
scenes of the card games. I'd recommend this flick to anyone, but
especially someone who's at least attempted to learn to buck the odds. ***
+ 5/6 / *****
Six-String Samurai -- It's refreshing to see a nice, solid B-movie now and
then. With Troma's recent efforts being somewhat less than stellar,
Six-String Samurai challenges them in the same way that Anastasia and Antz
are challenging Disney animation. The only difference is that instead of
perky, empowered animated women and talking computer-animated entities that
don't actually talk in reality, the B-movie battleground is a more hallowed
one; only here can you find guys who fight with a guitar in one hand and a
katana in the other, screaming barbarians who grunt and jump up and down a
lot, a guy with dreadlocks named death who sings heavy metal, commies with
guns without ammunition, mutants, and gumballs as the only source of food.
Well, okay, that's only in Six-String Samurai, but a good Troma classic will
have equally odd fare (scantily clad women with mouths where their belly
buttons should be, a mutant guy with a mop who fights evil high school
students who run over kids in their car for points who also happens to have
a girlfriend who plays the accordion, ... you get the idea). In any case,
SSS is an example of what happens when you make a B-movie that, instead of
dialog, has a lot of one-liners and violence, usually involving screaming
and swinging a sword around a lot. Is good. Not quite up there with
B+-movie classics Army of Darkness, Evil Dead, and Dead Alive, but worth a
look-see, if only for Russian surf-rockers The Red Elvises taking classical
music and putting it to a surfin' beat. Gotta love it. *** + 3/4 / *****
Permanent Midnight -- Yet another drug movie. Why does it seem that there
are so many these days? It's not like drugs are anything new. Midnight
chronicles drug use in the 80s, even. Starring Ben Stiller as a junkie
Hollywood writer addicted to H, we see why A.L.F. played the way it did,
first-hand. Throughout the movie you're unsure what you're supposed to feel
for the main character. Pity? No, since he's married to Elizabeth Hurley in
an arranged marriage (or something...), and even after his fall from grace
has hot steamy mad love with some bimbo named Kitty in a hotel for six days
straight. That, and he wrote an autobiography which was made into a movie.
So I don't feel sorry for him, since he's still alive. Even if he didn't, I
wouldn't feel /that/ sorry for him, given some of the nasty stuff he does in
the movie. So, if you want to see a self-absorbed strung-out writer tell
his life story in such a way as to make it look like everyone else is stupid
'cept him, and you want to see graphic drug use which could make even the
most needle-savvy human squirm, catch Permanent Midnight. Otherwise, save
your money and experience your own life. ** + 1/2 / *****
Rush Hour -- It's not like I demand brilliant originality in everything I
see, but there's certainly a spectrum between blazing new cinematic
territory and seeing how many bad cliches can be recycled in a two-hour
period, and I have something against films that fall squarely on the cliche
end. You can guess what's coming next, I hope... Rush Hour is one of those
movies. A typical buddy-cop movie, the only twist being the actors in the
leads, if for nothing else than the sheer unlikeliness of their pairing.
Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan lend their considerable talents to dragging
this movie from being poor to being a decent way to waste an afternoon. Of
course, this is assuming you don't cringe at the mention of the name 'Chris
Tucker' or stare blankly at the mention of Jackie Chan. If the latter, I
have nothing to say to you, anyway. Worth the price of admission just for
Tucker's Captain's line: "Sometimes, we need to remind people that the LAPD
can still blow shit up." Yeah. ** + 7/8 / *****
Urban Legend -- It's a movie about a bunch of kids and a serial killer and
one kid, especially, who seems to be at the center of the whole mess. Pop
quiz, hotshot. Which movie am I talking about? Exactly right! Any one of
seven hundred slasher films released since 1980. The twist in this one is
that the killer -- now get this, it's really subtle so I'll only say it once
-- is using urban legends to kill and scare victims! Wow! Is it a neat
concept? Sure. Can it fill up an entire movie? Alas, no. Urban Legend
misses the mark by >< that much, but almost doesn't count in teen slasher
flix. Maybe in some teen slasher flix, I guess, but those usually involve
subhumanoids or Tromaville in some way or another. The Noxeema girl is in
it, and they even make a joke about her sordid past. If that's not a reason
to see a movie like this, what is? ** + 1/2 / *****
Dee Snider's Strangeland -- There are movies that use shock value to great
effect, movies from Tetsuo the Iron Man to (a lesser extent) Reservoir Dogs.
The difference is that a vision is in place before the shock value is added.
This is one of the critical differences between a /good/ shocker and
something like Dee Snider's StrangeLand, a sure candidate for the Worst 10
Movies of 1998. Filled with all sorts of sadism, body piercing, rape, and
deviant sexuality, StrangeLand tries very, very hard to disturb.
Unfortunately, the stupid attempts at humor at exactly the wrong moments,
the absolutely hideous acting, and the poor attempts at production make it
merely stupid. All the points it gets from me, it gets for making the bad
guy an AOL chatter named Cap'nHowdy. 3/4 / *****
Antz -- I think this would have been more enjoyable in a theater that didn't
have screaming, smelly kids who didn't understand what the movie was saying
most of the time in it. Damn kids. Despite being animated, this is
certainly no kids' movie. I don't like the automatic association between
animated characters and children. Hasn't anyone seen Legend of the
Overfiend, Fritz the Cat, Heavy Metal, or the Wandering Kid? Okay, don't
answer that. Still, Antz seemed determined to try to sell itself as a kids'
film (unlike the others I mention). It's all about how individuality within
a repressive system is important, and Woody Allen is the voice of Our Hero.
One scene with a disembodied talking head is especially funny, so sue me.
Antz is inconsistently funny throughout, with several great jokes and a
whole lot of filler. When it strays into telling the story instead of just
cracking concept jokes, it slows down in a way it ought not to. I also
couldn't shake the fact that I was watching humans in ant bodies rather than
ants themselves, especially since I could pick out the voices of nearly
every character as a (relatively) major Hollywood star. Despite its
problems, though, Antz is certainly better than most of the junk currently
in release. *** + 1/2 / *****
What Dreams May Come -- There ought to be a special place in hell reserved
for writers of cheesy self-help books. Maybe Robin Williams will step on
their faces, too. _Dreams_ is a 4-* movie trying desperately to be a 0-*
movie, with visual effects unmatched by anything since ever, and a
concept/plotline so impressively over-simplistic and easy that you have to
wonder how many six-year-olds it took to write it. Then you realize that
instead of six year olds, it must have been someone who writes self-help
books for a "living." See the first line of this review. [Note: I have it
on good authority that the book is nowhere nearly as shallow as the
screenplay, so my previous comments can be applied to the screenwriter
rather than the writer of the book the movie is based on.] Every single
change-of-identity trick in the book gets pulled in this one, and they're
all supposed to be surprising and moving, but they really aren't; how could
they be? Nothing here manages to get the blood flowing past the near-asleep
stage, especially not Robin Williams and his
Robin-Williams-in-emotional-pain face we get to see for all two hours of the
movie's running length. Hoorah! My rating is given only on the basis of the
visual effects. Best to watch this movie with soothing music playing
instead of the dialog. * + 3/4 / *****
A Night at the Roxbury -- Saturday Night Live, which puts out weekly
inexcusable crap, comes once again to the big screen with yet more
inexcusable crap. Didn't they learn their lesson with 'The Coneheads' and
'It's Pat -- The Movie'? Clearly, the answer is no, and I hear the Weekend
Update movie is due out next summer. Roxbury takes a joke that isn't funny
and stretches it to an hour and a half of unfunniness. In case you missed
the premise, it's that two loser guys go to nightclubs and try to hit on
chix. No, really. That's it. Richard Greico is in it, which is a
testament to how low his career has gone. Chazz Palminteri is in it, but
insisted that he not be mentioned in the credits. This dog is a
career-breaker for everyone involved -- or if it isn't, I can always dream.
Since I like cheesy dance music, however, I could at least listen to the
soundtrack when there weren't irritating people who are not funny talking.
Do something constructive with your $7.50, like buy a whole bunch of
crimping beads. * / *****
Soldier -- Instead of growling, "Call me Snake," Kurt Douglas just growls in
this futuristic scifi man-against-many action movie. Aside from the opening
sequence, which shows Our Hero maturing from baby killing machine to adult
killing machine, there is absolutely nothing engrossing about the movie.
That's not to say it's bad... I mean, it's Kurt Russell, and he's supposed
to be beating people up and killing them. What more do you need?
Unfortunately, someone decided that they /did/ need more and added a stupid
plot revolving around a community on a waste planet that looks an awful lot
like a bunch of rejects from a Mad Max movie, including the li'l kid and the
untouchable object of desire. The space combat you'd be expecting from the
trailers never comes, either, which was certainly a disappointment; the
future setting really wasn't used for much at all, even the weapons were
less than spectacular. Nevertheless, I was entertained. What more can you
ask for? (Besides some thought put into the premise and better special
effects.) ** + 5/8 / *****
Pleasantville -- Reese has gone a long way on the _Freeway_ to get to
_Pleasantville_. This is a very well-made picture (even if it's somewhat
slow-paced), the gradual colorization of the imaginary 50s town a joy to
behold. Unfortunately, our writer did not know what to do with himself
after a while. The premise is great, as is the way that the city slowly
loses its innocence as it's interjected with not only a break from routine,
but also a healthy dose of 90s values underscores (humorously) the
differences between reality and fiction, and more importantly, the
differences between black-and-white morality and the colors (pun intended)
in between. It doesn't last, though, when either crunched for time or ideas
the last act comes together far too quickly, and nullifies what we've been
lead to believe during the first 5/6 of the movie's running length. Coupled
with a few inconsistencies, I never quite believed (after halfway through,
at least) that it would have happened that way, except as a
we-wanted-it-to-end-this-way-so-it-did device. A pity, really, as the rest
of the movie is certainly excellent. Acting is stellar all around, of
course, and the photography is quite impressive. So, despite all my
misgivings, I would strongly recommend Pleasantville, unless you're enamored
by the idea of a return to the repressed innocence of the era, in which case
your politics may get in the way of your enjoyment of the film. **** /
*****
The Mighty -- Okay, so I have nothing against trite films, if that's their
only sin. I mean, I didn't slam Soldier, did I? That's gotta be one of the
tritest of 1998. However, at least there are some good things you can say
about Soldier. Perhaps not many, if you're not an action movie or a Kurt
Russell fan, but hell. I can think of nothing good to say about The Mighty
other than that it was a competent entry into the pre-teen buddy movie
genre, which is oversaturated to begin with. High point is the Henson kid,
who can actually seem to act, except when they force him to do
John Carpenter's Vampires -- Ah, the good old days of moviemaking, where
misogyny was not only accepted, but mandated. What? Those good old days
never existed? Whatever. They're cetainly back, in John Carpenter's
Vampires. Thus, I pronounce that the screenplay for this must have been
written by two different people. One thought it would be cool to have the
main characters kill vampires the exact same way without any deviation over
and over and over again. The other was responsible for the wonderfully
gratuitous carnage displayed when the Master attacks our heroes. One was
responsible for the clever idea of making all women whores whose sole
purpose is to bite, have sex, and get smacked around. The other provides
super-hardass moments of wound cauterization using the barrel of an
automatic. Visual flair and a few great scenes are marred by (in parts)
atrocious dialog and action sequences that were thought up by a bored
12-year-old during math class. Worth renting, when you've got a
fast-forward button at your disposal. ** + 1/2 / *****
Slam -- Literally and figuratively, Slam is what you get when you cross
visual and the more standard form of poetry with a life-on-the-street
documentary. Both audio and video provide entertainment that'd be well
worth the price of admission individually. Together, along with a journey
of self and societal discovery, Slam is a clear choice for one of the best
movies of 1998. Trying to describe it, however, is like trying to describe a
real-life poetry slam (featuring good poets) after the event has transpired;
to someone who wasn't there, the description doesn't mean a whole lot, and
will probably cause the victim of the description to shrug. Now that Spike
Lee seems to have lost his edge (indicated by the marginal _He Got Game_),
it's up to new styles to fill the void. Slam is one such style. See it
(even if it has to be on video, thanks to my less-than-timely reviews).
(Obligatory weakness: The acting sometimes feels like acting, rather than
real people. Only a small gripe, though, for an excellent movie.) **** +
1/2 / *****
The Siege -- Funny thing; the controversy surrounding this movie is
considerably more interesting than the movie itself, which is a dreary,
predictable mystery-thriller which isn't very thrilling (despite excellent
performances all 'round), nor very mysterious, and in fact is rather
insulting to the intelligence. But I'm getting ahead of myself; I wanted to
malign those who claim it's offensive, first. It's been said that the movie
depicts those of Arab-American descent in a poor light. I laugh at the very
idea. While the terrorists are portrayed as Arab-Americans, [spoiler
warning!], the only real bad guys are the evil white military-industrial
complex, who not only set the terrorists up to be terrorists, but also comes
down on everyone, including total innocents just because they can. That's
Bruce Willis's character, by the way, a guy who starts out reasonably
thoughtful and turns into a blatantly evil general guy. Yet more
inconsistency in a movie that's very inconsistent, except when it comes to
its predictability. Plusses go to a couple tense action scenes and to great
acting by the majority of the cast. Nevertheless, skip this one and see
something that really /does/ make you think about racial issues and whether
or not oppression is "worth it" to maintain standard of living. There are
plenty out there. ** / *****
Life is Beautiful -- Italian, subtitled. If that's enough to turn you away
from seeing this film, you need to keep a more open mind, foolish mortal.
If it isn't, then you ought to see it before it's too late. Life is
Beautiful has been flamed (by some) over the controversiality of the content
of its second half (WW2 holocaust), and the hybrid of humor and drama it
portrays (the flames have come from those who object to the humor,
obviously). I think that people who say this either (1) haven't bothered
watching the movie they're complaining about, or (2) just.. don't.. get it.
In any case, Life is Beautiful tries to be both a comedy and a drama, as
I've said, and rises to the absolute top of both genres, seamlessly weaving
both into an unforgettable moviegoing experience. **** + 1/2 / *****
Happiness -- "In the Company of Men" too cutesie for you? "Your Friends and
Neighbors" was too unbelievable because the characters were too nice? If
that's the case, have I got a movie for you... Happiness is about several
characters who are looking for it, but have trouble finding it, so instead
torture everyone around them. The main characters include a struggling
songwriter who is pretty much hopeless in every sense of the word, a devoted
housewife who is married to a pedophile who drugs his kid's friends, said
pedophile, a goth-poet who has all sorts of rape fantasies, an obscene phone
caller who is far over the line of "pathetic," and his neighbor who has a
crush on him for whatever reason, and has some issues of her own to work
out. Of all of these the two characters painted with an even remotely
sympathetic paintbrush by writer Solondz (Welcome to the Dollhouse) are the
pedophile (who, I should mention, is a psychiatrist) and the songwriter. If
merely reading this review has made you vaguely ill, skip Happiness, unless
you're also a masochist. Otherwise, check it out some evening, or when you
really need to get rid of a date you don't like. Overall, slightly too mean
for the sake of meanness for my taste. *** + 1/2 / *****
Orgazmo -- While feeling philosophical, one may consider the question, 'How
would I write a soft-porn movie which was a spoof of kung-fu movies as well,
and still have it be relatively cute and innocent, despite its NC-17
rating?' Orgazmo is the answer to this question. With a Mormon as the lead
character, maintaining innocence is one of the most important aspects of the
film. Of course, saying a sentence like the previous one when considering
this movie condemns me forever to pretentious-movie-critic-hell (in which
one is forced to watch _Red_, _White_, and _Blue_ over and over and over
again), since there is really not a lot of thought that was put into making
this. The jokes are crass, crude, and as simple-minded as they come, and
the parody of the kung-fu and porn genres are not anything new that hasn't
been joked about a thousand times in the past. Nevertheless, the
combination is something that /I/, at least, haven't seen tried before, and
I had a nice goofy grin on my face for most of the time. *** / *****
Enemy of the State -- Ah, paranoia and Hollywood in-jokes. Enemy of the
State has both in full-force, with a director and screenwriter who both have
a high-tech fetish. Handling of said tech is uneven, at times frighteningly
on course and at times so ludicrous it's hard for one of us in the know not
to laugh at it. Likewise, the "enemy" is a cross between all-powerful and
pathetic, alternating between the two extremes only when the plot calls for
it to be one way or the other. The action, however, which is the main
reason to come see an action movie, is almost all top-notch, even if Gene
Hackman is getting a little old for this sort of thing. Of course, his
acting skill more than makes up for it. The number of gratuitous
explosions, while non-zero, is thankfully small. A nice techno-thriller,
all-round, which will hopefully get some more people paranoid about the
skies above them. *** + 1/2 / *****
Celebrity -- Note to Woody Allen: If you're going to write a part that is
essentially you in any of your other movies, make sure not to cast someone
else in the role. Kenneth Branagh, as one lead in Celebrity, does an eerie
Allen impersonation throughout which is disquieting in many, many ways. I
leave it to the reader to enumerate these, but it ought not to be too
difficult. Other than this, the story is a rather meandering
success-and-failure story following an ex-couple; the woman hitting the
big-time while the man (Woody.. I mean, Kenneth) hits the proverbial skids.
Thus, Celebrity plays more like a sketch comedy than anything else, and
unfortunately not all of the sketches work very well. This is typical of
all Allen movies lately, and only serves to highlight that he seems to be
running out of juice. Not that Celebrity isn't funny -- far from it -- but
there aren't any really great bits that have you wishing it was longer than
it was. Overall, it's a good watch for Allen fans (or those who haven't
seen anything else by him), but otherwise it's nothing special. ** + 7/8 /
*****
A Bug's Life -- Definitely yet another example of style over substance,
Bug's Life features the absolute best in hi-tech computer animation money
can buy. Animationphiles ought to see the film just for the unarguably
spectacular computer effects; we've come a long way since 'Tin Toy' made its
debut at geek conventions worldwide. And there's more good news: the
writers and actors didn't assume their animators would carry the day, and
put together a competent story, complete with reasonably personable antz
(err, ants) in the lead roles. This isn't to say that Bug's Life is a
contender for best original screenplay come Oscar time, but unlike many
SFX-driven movie Events (Lost in Space, What Dreams May Come, Godzilla),
they didn't botch terribly either. The result is a feel-good tale of
individuality which carries a positive but innocent message (as opposed to
the more adult and subversive Antz) which younguns and adults alike can
smile at. While Antz may be the better movie overall, thanks to more clever
writing, you could do worse than catching Bug's Life on the big screen. ***
+ 1/4 / *****
Babe, Pig in the City -- Ya gotta wonder what happened between the writing
and filming of Babe (a great movie, I should add) and its sequel.
Personally, I think it's a whole lotta hallucinogens. That would certainly
explain the setting of a city which combines all the elements of every major
city you could name, including landmarks and strange people. Rather than
the charming countryside, we're treated to a nightmarish, morbid landscape
of strange and stranger people. As you may guess, normally I encourage
oddness in movies, but... not when I'm expecting a cute sequel to a very
cute and loving film. Scenes of a dog slowly drowning, thrashing about,
just do not fit into the genre, nor do odd vaguely communist overtones,
which are portrayed alternately positively and negatively. With only a
small rewrite here and there, the filmmakers might as well have been trying
to recreate _Dark City_. The magic just isn't here. ** / *****
Very Bad Things -- Not surprisingly, this movie was a box-office flop. Also
not surprisingly, it was absolutely excellent. Each time I thought I had
the movie pegged into a nice hole, it changed shape again. The word for the
day, here, is character abuse -- the story is absolutely harsh in its
treatment of its "pro"tagonists. Eeriest are Christian Slater, reprieving
his role in _Heathers_, and Cameron Diaz as a woman who *really* wants to
get married to her fiance. Also rather disquieting is one character's
relationship with his wife and children, and the result of the title's
Things upon it. Ultimately, I couldn't stop laughing most of the way
through; that is, when I wasn't wincing. Neither is something I'm used to
when watching movies, I'm more the polite chuckle sort. Unfortunately, I
don't think the American public is really ready to see people doing Very Bad
Things to themselves and others. If you think you are, I heartily recommend
this movie to you. **** + 1/2 / *****
Star Trek: Insurrection -- Proving once and for all that the Sierra Club's
sprawl campaign is right on the money, Picard & Co. journey into the vast
reaches of outer space only to discover a bunch of lily-white "aliens" who
actually look like wealthy suburbanites. Talk about aggressive development.
If that wasn't enough, Worf (for non-trekkers: the big ugly guy who always
gets beat up by near everybody, even if he is supposed to be an uberwarrior)
has to deal with going through puberty again because the planet's magic
radiation makes you live forever. Strangely enough, Picard's hair doesn't
grow back. Into this rather idyllic scene, insert Evil Bad Guys who are
intent on doing something Dastardly which involves Killing, Extermination,
and Fates Worse Than Death, something involving their rubber-looking faces,
one would imagine. It's up to Our Heroes to do something about it. Yes,
folks, that's right. The plot makes about as much sense as a Republican
congressman. But that's okay, because all us loyal trek-folk wanted to see
was the Crew together again, fighting interplanetary evil and resolving
personal issues while doing so, just like in the good old days of ST:TNG,
before this Voyager crap came along. Bonus points for the Riker Manual
Joystick Maneuver. ** + 1/2 / *****, +1* for viewers who can name all the
TNG characters without a cheat-sheet.
Spike & Mike's Sick & Twisted Festival of Animation (1998) -- Oh, Spike.
Oh, Mike. What happened to artistic integrity? Gone it is, replaced instead
by offensiveness solely for the sake of offensiveness. Did we really need
this to be animated, when I can watch all the racist, sexist, -istist
buffoons I want by visiting the local frat house? Answer: no. Ranging from
absurdly tasteless to vaguely grotesque to vanilla eye-rolling badness, the
selections in 1998's Tasteless festival have very few moments of
inspiration. The two highlights, which are in no way worth the remaining 90
minutes of torture, are a clever short featuring a blind date gone horribly
awry, yet not /so/ awry, and the old standby _Devil Went Down to Georgia_,
which I confess I have a weakness for. (No, I can't explain it, either.)
In any case, avoid this at all costs, even if you can go for free. * /
*****
American History X -- Director Dearest has noted that he was very upset with
the final cut of his movie, after it was slashed by the Powers That Be.
What's left over, however, is still an excellent and disturbing look at
violence, rascism, and everything that goes along with it. Told in both the
present and the past, AHX tells the story of a family all of whose lives
have been touched by neo-Nazi inspired hate, and it's told extremely
effectively. I'm not going to go into much detail, here, mostly because to
do so would be to try and summarize something that really ought not to be
summarized. Instead, I'd suggest just trying to find the time to catch this
one before it disappears, only to reemerge a year later as required viewing
in various high school and college classes. The film's one weakness is that
it lacks a middle -- after the past has been revealed, the movie pretty much
ends. **** / *****
You've Got Mail -- It ought to come as a surprise to everyone that this Nora
Ephron film is terminally cute. Full of cute dialogue, cute people
(including, unrealistically, AOL users), cute scenery, and cute sets, You've
Got Mail raises the sugary sweetness level of the hoilday movie season to
epic proportions. Fortunately, unlike many sickly-sweet films, YGM's is
swallowable, thanks to absolutely likeable leads (Hanks and Ryan, just like
in Sleepless) and an absolutely charming script. Obviously, one does not
expect any revolutionary material from a script which was rooted in another
script which was rooted in a play which was rooted in a book, but it's
really okay, because the cuteness is all so wonderfully entertaining and
innocent... /or is it?/ My answer is a resounding NO, as Nora Ephron appears
to be in bed with the corporate destruction of independent thought and
spirit. But enough about that, because it's so /cute/. *** + 1/4 / *****
Patch Adams -- Robin Williams, in Patch Adams, plays a
journalist/broadcaster/teacher/psychologist/nutty professor/lovable
alien/doctor struggling against the odds, weighted against him by an
oppressive system chock full of bad people trying to crush his relentless
human spirit. If that doesn't sound at all familiar to you, you clearly
haven't seen anything that Robin Williams has been in for the past two
decades. This particular time, we have a story based on a true story, which
makes it all the more repulsive when nearly everyone disagreeing with the
protagonist's point of view is painted as an evil, evil man (of course I say
'man' here, because women aren't bad in movies like this). Whatever Hunter
Adams (AKA 'Patch') has done for himself in reality, this movie just can't
possibly do it justice, as it's overblown by Williams' jaw-wiggling
serious-face and minor characters who seem bent on playing second fiddle to
the mighty Adams. The positive message (which indeed is positive) is lost
amidst a cesspool of acting which smells like acting a mile away, and
courtroom posturing (yes, there's even ye olde courtroom scene) which is as
trite and boring as it is ridiculously out of place. Williams being funny
in certain scenes irrelevant to the plot (his visit to the Meat Packer's
Convention, for example) are what save this flick from being utterly
repulsive. Instead, it's just repulsive. * + 3/4 / *****
Shakespeare in Love -- I hate reviewing movies like this because there's no
bad stuff to make fun of. Bad stuff is what makes writing reviews such a
wonderful way to pass the time. Whoever said, 'If you can't say anything
nice, don't say anything at all' probably never had a day of fun in his/her
life. Certainly, reviewing this film is going to be an exercise in how many
positive superlatives I can think of in the next five minutes. Ok, maybe it
isn't, but it would be if I was going to actually review it. Instead, I'll
just say that this is one of the most romantic movies ever, an absolutely
wonderful treatment of Shakespeare (unlike Romeo + Juliet, which seemed
intent on bringing the Bard to Leo rather than the other way around), and as
clever as you'd expect from Tom Stoppard (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are
Dead... see the pattern?) In addition to the writing and direction, which
are perfect, the acting is nearly so, full of Joseph Fiennes' fire and
Gwyneth Paltrow's joy and innocence. (I never even liked her before seeing
this.) In summary, just don't miss this movie, it really is as good as they
say. **** + 3/4 / *****
The Faculty -- Alternate title: _Breakfast Club vs. the Aliens_. Yes, not
as catchy and I much prefer the final version, but if you wanted a one line
sumamry, that'd be it. Updated for the 90s by an ultrahip Gen-Y
screenwriter (Williamson) and the most kinetic director to hit the scene in
a while (Rodriguez), with the talent involved Faculty was a sure hit. And
lo, it was. While I'm not going to pretend that this is high-quality
entertainment, there's something to be said for forcing protagonists to do
drugs in order to combat the alien menace, which has cool looking tentacles
and possesses really attractive students and (some) really attractive
faculty. Besides a few blood and gore scenes, what else is necessary in a
movie like this? That's right, absolutely nothing. Though seeing Jon
Stewart get nailed in the eye by a needle is by itself worth the price of
admission, as is the absolutely hilarious introduction. If you're a B-movie
or teenybopper horror flick fan, this is up there with the best of 'em. If
not, you'll still probably like it, unless you're female, in which case much
of the appeal will be lost. Sorry, gals. (Note: Not quite as good as Deep
Rising, which had a whole bunch more guns.) *** + 3/4 / *****
The Thin Red Line -- Most assuredly, a different breed of war movie than
more standard fare such as Saving Private Ryan. It's more aptly described
as a 90s Apocalypse Now, really, but one that's set in the less surreal yet
no less intense setting of WWII's battle for Guadalcanal. Unlike SPR, which
was intent on telling a story and throwing metaphor and horror around it,
The Thin Red Line takes metaphor and horror and throws a story around it.
Where SPR is viscerally graphic, this film is more thoughtfully disturbing
in its choice of imagery, meandering from one place to the next with
voiceovers by its leads suggesting tone and mood, in addition to spectacular
visuals doing so. Unfortunately, these voiceovers are one of the films big
weaknesses -- they are far too prevalent for a movie setting, far better
suited for a novel, not to mention that two of the most important characters
look and sound extremely similar (the near-identical uniforms all the
soldiers wear can only be on purpose, of course). Overall, a far more grim
and cerebral movie than Spielberg's noisy (and more 'realistic', in terms of
the battle scenes) cousin, but is it better? Tough to say, but it certainly
aimed a lot higher. **** + 1/4 / *****
Top Ten Things You Can Learn From Lost in Space:
(1) Don't get bitten by a spider, because if you do, you'll transform into
a whole bunch of little spiders hiding under a cloak with a face and...
never mind.
(2) You can be stupid and tactless, but as long as you're a good pilot
you'll get all the chicks, even Rollergirl.
(3) Tip for Penny: inhaling helium before going on duty is against
regulations.
(4) Time travel will be invented as a 4th-grade science project.
(5) They eat their wounded, except when the plot calls for them not to.
(6) On a space ship whose inhabitants have all been eaten by space spiders,
the one thing that survives will be a cloyingly cute computer graphic named
Blarp.
(7) If you run into someone who tries to sabotage your mission and kill
your family several times, adopt a policy of tolerance.
(8) Spaceships that can fly through the sun will get blown up when hit by a
rock.
(9) You can rebuild a robot from spare parts in just under an hour.
(10) You can build a hypergate -- a monumental project for an entire planet
to take on -- with just your family and a braindead war hero.
Top Ten Things All Secret Agents And/Or Scottish Villains Should Have
(10) An evil twin that comes out of nowhere.
(9) A fencing style that clearly wouldn't work if the person they're fencing
against didn't want it to.
(8) A healthy supply of teddy bear costumes.
(7) A knowledge of Shakespeare to use as a source for out-of-context
quips.
(6) Tea.
(5) A skintight bodysuit.
(4) A smirk that never goes away.
(3) Obviously fake sexual tension with their partner.
(2) A reason to split up when it's obviously a bad idea.
(1) 90 minutes of life not spent watching a horrible movie about
themselves.
Back...