(7/26/99)
As if poor Al Gore didn't have enough problems on the campaign trail, he's now being stalked by a rabbit.
A 7-foot rabbit with a bushy tail, floppy ears and, unfortunately for the vice president, the determination of a turtle not a hare.
``When he first saw me in D.C., I think it was March, he got out of his car, stopped, stared and just walked away,'' the rabbit said. ``The Secret Service made me sit in the back of a car while they ran my Social Security number. But now, I have major clearance.''
The rabbit has chased Gore from state to state, albeit very slowly because, as it explains, ``My feet are 3 feet long. ''
Gore stops in New Hampshire. He sees the rabbit. Iowa, he sees the rabbit. Virginia, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin. Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit.
While George W. Bush has merely the occasional pink elephant with which to cope, Gore is being driven bonkers by a bunny. He wants it to stop.
Gore aides have called PETA - the rabid animal rights group, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals - and repeatedly complained and last week, the rabbit himself reports, the vice president's campaign committee called and requested peace talks.
At issue is Gore's support of a High Production Volume Chemical Testing program that will test the hazards of chemicals like turpentine and rat poison on birds, fish and yes, rabbits. You don't want to know the details.
Gore's campaign office didn't return my call on this one, but has maintained in the past that the tests are needed to protect the public health and will be carried out as humanely as possible.
Personally, I'm not a PETA type. If we were meant to exist on seaweed and wheatballs, we'd have sponges, not teeth. I admit I feel a twinge selecting a lobster for execution, but drawn butter and an ear of corn usually help me feel better.
But the rabbit that is terrorizing Al Gore? I have to say, I love it. And PETA, you've got to love them, just for the entertainment value if nothing else.
Who else would try to put up billboards in cattle states like Texas, Kansas and Colorado proclaiming that ``Eating meat can cause impotence.''
And decry the serving of seafood at the New England Aquarium cafe as ``the equivalent of eating poodle burgers at a dog show.''
OK, so they pushed the envelope a little when they protested Wheaties putting the picture of a professional bass fishing champion on its box, calling the cereal ``The Breakfast of Lip-Rippers.''
Sure, they went too far declaring Thanksgiving ``murder for turkeys'' and putting a sign in front of Oral Roberts University in Tulsa proclaiming ``Jesus was a vegetarian.''
But there is a strategy to the stunts and sometimes, incredibly, it works. Procter & Gamble chairman John Pepper ignored PETA until an activist hit him in the face with a pie. Then he called PETA, which agreed to stop the ``pie deliveries'' after he said he'd consider an end to animal testing. The activist disappeared two months after the incident.
And, an Associated Press poll recently showed that two-thirds of Americans equate animal suffering with human suffering and believe that animal testing for cosmetics is unnecessary.
Whatever the case, PETA's ``main rabbit guy,'' 27-year-old Jason Baker, is planning his travel schedule - New York, Maine and Tennessee - which somehow happens to coincide with Gore's.
``It's kind of hectic and the costume isn't your ordinary rabbit suit. It's huge. It's heavy,'' he said. ``It's so hot I have to wear an ice vest. You've got to keep fluids in you.'' Carrot juice, undoubtedly.
Baker, of course, is no novice. ``I was a cow once, and a pig and a chicken,'' he said. ``I wore a diaper once, it was a little embarrassing. And I was a condom to promote cruelty-free condoms, and to protest the conditions of pig inseminators.'' Don't ask.
This line of work should help this young man when he discovers in a few years that it takes a real job to put tofu on the table. I can hear his job interview, ``So, Mr. Baker, you were a, uh, condom . . .''
He's not easily deterred. ``If we get vilified for this issue, fine. We're not out to make friends. We're out to help animals.''
And while Clinton may be advising him to hold out for those naked fur-protesting fashion models, Gore might just have to hop to it.
(The writer of this article was found last week eaten by lobsters, who had selected him for execution.)