An Introduction

This is a parody, not of the show, Xena Warrior Princess, but of the fans of the show, especially the fans who write fan fiction and who participate in Xena fandom via the Internet. If you are a fan matching this description, you may find yourself being sent up in the course of reading this parody. Actually, while the fans enjoy fun-making at the foibles of others, few recognize themselves, so you’re probably on safe ground here.


Fan fiction is called “alternative” when it assumes that Xena and Gabrielle are <gasp> “that way” and that they have a bit of a romantic thing going on.

Alternative fan fiction (or altfanfic) usually abides by a set of conventions that can be stupefyingly boring. For instance, certain sexual practices common among lesbians require a degree of cleanliness that can be quite difficult to achieve in a story set in ancient times. For this reason, an unbelievable amount of bathing goes on in alt stories and is often described in excruciating detail.

Another characteristic of alt stories is that they usually involve a rather limited repertoire of sexual acts. Vanilla sex between equal partners is considered by many lesbians to be the “right” way to have sex, and anything else, while it may be fun, is not politically correct. As a result, once you’ve read an explicit love scene in altfanfic, you’ve pretty much read them all.

An odd quirk often found in altfanfic is the practice of symmetrical breast kissing. The origins of this compulsion are obscure but are thought to stem from the fundamental tenet that equality should be the watchword in every relationship, especially in relationships between women, that the partners should be equal, that each partner should enjoy an equal share of the good things and bear an equal burden of the bad things in the relationship, and that all breasts should receive an equal number of kisses, lest the precarious balance of the universe be somehow disrupted.

No warrior princesses or their bards were injured during the production of this parody, but many of their fans suffered an outrageous loss of dignity.

This parody is in very bad taste and contains references to objects and activities which are adult in nature. Youngsters, prudes, and the humor-impaired should not proceed beyond this point.

Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, and Argo are owned by some esoteric combination of the following entities: MCA, Universal Studios, Studios USA, and Renaissance Pictures. The authors of this parody have no intention of infringing on any copyrights, trademarks, or bragging rights belonging to these entities.

The authors of this parody are also authors of alternative fan fiction.

An interesting phenomenon in alternative fan fiction is the use of disclaimers. Originally intended to warn those under 18 that they were venturing into adult territory (thus ensuring that kids would always be able to find “the good stuff”), disclaimers now warn of everything under the sun, including violence, sexual and otherwise, non-vanilla sexual practices, infidelity on the part of Xena or Gabrielle, harm done to either Xena or Gabrielle (it’s OK to harm other people), and anything that could conceivably bother anybody. Because of the prevalence of disclaimers, it is seldom necessary to read the actual stories, since the disclaimers pretty much cover everything.